7 Skills to impress™: The Book

Chapter 4. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 1.

Chapter 4b. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 2.

Chapter 5. How Identity Secretly Pulls Your Strings

Chapter 6. Unleash Your Potential: Understanding Your Identity Quotient (IDQ)

Basic Instinct: Stress or Success?

Mark Sapsford — Sat, 29 Nov 2025 18:05:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

Your subconscious mind is running on software 12,000 years out of date - sabotaging your best efforts without you even realising it.

Old Maps, New World

Imagine buying a stunning classic car from the 1930s, lovingly updated with modern features. You opt for something quirky: a sat nav which includes the original road maps from that era.

One sunny morning, you take your dream car for a country drive. You select the old maps, set your route to a scenic spot, and set off. But soon you face a problem, the quiet lanes on your map are now fast motorways.

Roundabouts have turned into sprawling intersections. Quaint villages have grown into towns, and every turn confuses you. The journey becomes stressful, as if some invisible force were steering you off course.

Finally, you switch to the current maps. Instantly, your journey becomes smooth and effortless, and you reach your destination with ease.

This is how many of us navigate stress: guided by outdated “maps” in our subconscious minds. We try to make sense of a modern world using outdated patterns of thought and reaction.

No matter how hard we try, our efforts don’t take us where we want to go.

Because it’s not just that our subconscious runs old software, it’s that it edits the very reality we experience.

We all need up-to-date “maps,” mindsets aligned with our present-day skills and abilities. So we can navigate life’s challenges with calm, grace, and efficiency.

Have you ever wondered why stress can be a catalyst for extraordinary success for some but a crippling straitjacket for others? What makes the difference?

In this chapter, we’ll delve into these questions. We’ll begin to peel away the layers of your subconscious, revealing how it holds the reins of your ability to handle stress.

You’ll learn why some people soar and others stumble when faced with adversity. It’s not just about the roads we travel but the subconscious maps we use to navigate them.

All this and more is unravelled in ‘Basic Instinct: Stress or Success.’

Ananya’s Shackles, Eddard’s Wings

I remember meeting Ananya at a workshop about stress and performance. She was a shy figure whose gaze often lingered on the floor.

The presenter, a dynamic speaker with a flair for the dramatic, had a setup to demonstrate how stress impacts your heart rate and mental state.

There was a catch. A volunteer had to stand at the front, connected to a heart monitor, their heart rate projected onto a giant screen for everyone to see.

I remember the tension in the room when the presenter asked for a volunteer. I kept my head down because I didn’t fancy it one bit.

But beside me sat Eddard, the unflappable police negotiator introduced in the previous chapter. His eyes sparkled with curiosity at the prospect of having a go. But he was pipped to the post by Ananya.

Ananya was a reluctant volunteer. She was there with a group from work. When the presenter asked for someone to help with the demo, they nudged her forward.

She walked slowly to the front, every step betraying reluctance. Once connected to the heart monitor, her heartbeat, a rapid staccato in the nervous 90s, was laid bare on the giant screen for all to see.

It was obvious to everyone that she was anxious, but worse was to come. As the presenter finished his introduction, he turned to Ananya and asked her to count backwards from 1000 in threes.

Instantly, Ananya went red in the face, and her pulse soared to around 160 beats per minute.

As she stumbled through the task, “997, 994, 991,” her words tangled into a knot of anxiety. “I can’t think, I can’t think,” she blurted out, her voice a mix of panic and frustration.

The presenter quickly stepped in, allowing her to retreat to her seat, her relief visible as she disappeared into the audience.

Eddard was still keen to try his luck at the test. He approached the front carefree and with a casual stride. He was calm and unshaken, even as he revealed that counting backwards was not his strong suit.

In front of the packed room, Eddard’s pulse barely moved, but his eyes held the quiet alertness of someone used to pressure. He wasn’t fighting the moment; he embraced it.

Ananya’s anxiety imprisoned her talents; Eddard’s confidence let his abilities soar.

Eddard’s composure under pressure was not just impressive; it was inspiring.

Their different reactions in the same stressful moment reveal something deeper we all experience. It’s as if their mental maps were opposites: Ananya’s outdated, Eddard’s up-to-date.

This isn’t rare, it’s how most of us are wired.

Interviews, presentations, speeches - for many, they’re tests of nerve. Some, like Ananya, experience intense anxiety, while others, like Eddard, handle the pressure with a calm confidence.

Two people. Same situation. Two entirely different realities. What underlies these vastly different reactions?

The key is the Fight-Flight-Freeze (FFF) response, a primal reflex buried deep in the subconscious.

The Fight, Flight or Freeze Response

FFF is the subconscious autopilot that kicks in under stress, trying to protect our safety and status.

What does Fight, Flight or Freeze Do to You?

FFF kept our ancestors alive, but it’s the wrong wiring for modern life.

When activated, it floods your body with stress hormones, hijacks and shuts down your conscious mind, and narrows your focus onto the perceived danger.

Your conscious mind solves problems and plans ahead, precisely what FFF shuts down.

So, under its influence, you find it hard to think, even to speak.

This was beginning to happen to Ananya as soon as she was attached to the heart monitor.

Modern Challenges – Ancient Responses

Our ancestors needed FFF to survive. Today, it often works against us, the very thinking we need, it silences.

An outdated sat nav might react badly to modern road conditions, just as our subconscious sometimes inappropriately triggers the FFF response in modern, non-threatening situations.

From traffic jams to job interviews, modern challenges need calm, not caveman reflexes.

Ananya’s trembling hands and racing heart were telltale signs of this response. Her conscious mind, usually logical and quick, was overwhelmed.

Your Subconscious Has a Secret!

FFF was the difference between Eddard and Ananya; his subconscious mind didn’t trigger it, so he had all his conscious talents available to him.

Why does one mind trigger FFF while another stays calm?

Because each sees a different reality.

Is our perception of reality being altered so that it triggers these automatic responses?

What is behind the FFF Response? The answer lies in the concept of ‘Edited Reality’. It’s not only about threat detection, but it’s also about how your subconscious edits reality to fit its learned patterns and beliefs.

And, it turns out that this process is different for everyone.

What You’ve Just Learned – and Why It Matters

Two people, same moment, two realities. Not luck or talent - something deeper:

Their subconscious minds were reading the world differently - and editing reality accordingly.

In this chapter, you uncovered the outdated survival system known as Fight, Flight or Freeze. It’s an ancient autopilot response that still runs your mind as it did 12,000 years ago.

For Ananya, Fight, Flight or Freeze hijacked her thinking the moment pressure hit, shutting down her conscious ability to perform.

But for Eddard? He stayed calm and connected. His subconscious saw opportunity, not threat. That’s why his conscious mind remained in charge.

And what about Jacqui? Her subconscious had been shaped by months of grief and trauma. She wasn’t choosing despair; her inner map simply no longer showed a path to hope. Just like Ananya, her reality was being powerfully edited from within.

We all want Eddard’s composure. But to get there, we must understand the secret software editing our every experience.

What’s Coming Next – and Why It’s Important

In Chapter 2, The Illusion of Reality, you’ll uncover how your subconscious doesn’t just react to pressure - it creates the very world you believe you’re reacting to.

See how childhood experiences shape beliefs, which become the lens through which your subconscious edits every situation.
Understand why Ananya saw judgment where there was empathy, and why Eddard saw a challenge where others might see risk. You’ll also begin to understand Jacqui’s path.
Discover how your subconscious builds your self-image - and how that shapes your confidence, decisions, and future.

If Chapter 1 showed how your mind can hijack you…

Chapter 2 shows how it first learned what to hijack you with.

This is where transformation begins, reprogramming how you see yourself and the world. Once you shift your Edited Reality, your natural confidence, charisma, and capability can finally take flight.

Coming Next: Chapter 2 The Illusion of Reality

Part 1: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

Chapter 4. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 1.

Chapter 4b. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 2.

Chapter 5. How Identity Secretly Pulls Your Strings

Chapter 6. Unleash Your Potential: Understanding Your Identity Quotient (IDQ)

The Illusion of Reality

Mark Sapsford — Fri, 28 Nov 2025 18:53:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

Reality is a Thing of the Past…

What if the reality you trust is nothing more than a story your subconscious tells you? What if your beliefs, formed before you even understood the world, are secretly running your life?

The truth is, the world you see isn’t what’s real; it’s what your mind wants you to see. Deep within the hidden corridors of our minds, potent beliefs about ‘self’ are quietly scheming.

Our core beliefs silently shape every move we make and the reality we craft for ourselves each day. And forgotten beliefs from your earliest days hold the key to unlocking the confidence we seek as adults.

This chapter will reveal not just how these beliefs form, but how they grow to become our self-image or Identity. And this is what secretly governs our lives, often in ways we least expect.

How Beliefs are Born and Grow Into Self-Image

Our self-image begins to build as soon as we come blinking into the world as a newborn child.

From the very first moments of life, a child experiences an explosion of learning.

The infant’s subconscious becomes a sponge, soaking in every exchange, every event. It absorbs every sight, sound, scent, sensation, and taste encountered.

The child’s senses stream millions of bits of data every second. It’s a vast torrent so fast and chaotic that the child’s mind is at risk of being overwhelmed.

To cope with this flood, the child’s subconscious starts to pick out and store fragments of information that it believes are part of recurring patterns. They become a kind of mental shorthand.

The child’s subconscious predicts what it believes these patterns mean in the child’s world. It’s trying to make sense of chaos and find order in the sensory overload.

It merges the meanings learned from these patterns into the child’s evolving sense of reality, shaping how they analyse and react to the world around them.

The ‘shorthand’ we all work out in our early years can last a lifetime. And, as adults, we still use it to quickly extract meaning from the torrent of data streamed through our senses every second.

But this practice can lead to mistakes. Because our subconscious will use these shortcuts as a frame through which it views the world, a little like wearing glasses with coloured lenses. Everything you see is tinted and changed.

The Concept of Edited Reality.

For example, take a look at the cow picture above, which vividly illustrates how our subconscious edits our perception, leading to what we term as ‘Edited Reality’.

Very early in your life, you stored away an image of a cow deep in your subconscious. Whether you saw one in real life or in pictures, your subconscious doesn’t waste time checking this one.

It picks out a part of the pattern it recognises and assumes it’s like every other cow you’ve seen. And so it presents that ‘reality’ to your conscious awareness. After a few moments, your senses adjust, and you notice that its markings are, in fact, a map of the world.

Each of us tends to think we see things as they are, that we are objective. But this is not the case. We see the world, not as it is, but as we are conditioned to see it.

Stephen Covey

By the way, did you also notice the two faces on the head of our cow above?

The pattern selection process does more than store shortcuts for Sifting and Sorting meaning from confusion. We develop beliefs about how the world works during our early years.

And, as we did with the cow image above, these beliefs colour our perception of the world around us. For example, take a look at the next picture.

If you spent your childhood in a city, you would likely see a drawing of a group of people in a room. You’d see walls, the corner of the room and a ceiling. Perhaps the figure standing on the right is leaning against a wall?

In fact, this image is a picture of people sitting and standing under a tree.

Can you see both versions now?

Children who grow up in modern cities see straight lines all around them from birth.

They’re everywhere: in buildings, street fittings, furniture, household objects, toys, and more. This becomes a familiar pattern to the subconscious, and so it’s stored away.

Whenever the subconscious thinks it has found that pattern in real life, it’s placed into your conscious reality. And so, when you look at the picture of the group under a tree above, you assume it has straight lines, and your reality is that there are walls and a ceiling.

On the other hand, the Bush is an organic environment with no straight lines. People who grew up in such a setting have assumptions of a more natural world. And so, they construct a reality of an outdoor scene from that group picture, seeing it simply as people standing or sitting around a tree.

So we can see that our subconscious develops beliefs about how the world works. And these beliefs guide it to edit the way we see the world around us. In other words, it changes our reality to fit its beliefs.

This is what we call Edited Reality.

Now, we’ll see that Edited Reality is about more than just ‘editing’ what we perceive through our senses. In fact, the editing is shaped by beliefs about our self-worth, confidence and abilities.

The Building Blocks of Confidence and Self-Belief

The subconscious can model and hold a vast store of the type of shortcuts we describe above. However, some of the patterns to emerge from this rapid learning phase are many times more potent.

Safety, Belonging, Esteem & Capability

A child’s most meaningful beliefs are about whether they are safe, loved, and belong. And whether they believe they are capable, and whether their life has a purpose. These are the building blocks of confidence, self-belief and mental strength.

The lessons they learn for each of these qualities develop into beliefs about their place in the world and how it treats them.

And, as with our pictures above, these beliefs will edit the child’s reality to match. For example, imagine a child falls out with their best friend:

A high self-esteem child’s Edited Reality could be that *their friend is often moody and will get over it. They’ll soon be pals again. The child is relatively happy and can carry on much as usual. Their reflex thought is, “What’s wrong with them?”
The Edited Reality of a low self-esteem child may be that the fallout came about because they are less popular than the others. This child is hurt and feels alone. Their reflex thought is, “What’s wrong with me?”

A child’s view of the world and how they fit into it is 60% built by age six. These ingrained beliefs from childhood become a fixed and reflexive way of making sense of events that will last them for the rest of their life.

This means that when a child becomes an adult, their subconscious mind continues Sifting and Sorting to create an Edited Reality that matches their self-image.

They may, as adults, be ‘consciously’ aware that their Edited Reality isn’t a true reflection of who they are or what they are experiencing.

But the beliefs that shape self-image are more emotionally charged than any others. They can’t easily be changed. And so the Sifting and Sorting, shaped in childhood, continue to dominate their lives.

Our subconscious is like the director of a silent film, shaping our life’s narrative without us realising it.

At the top of the page, I used a reference from the film, The Matrix:

“Reality is a thing of the past.”

I hope now that it makes sense in the context of the 7 Skills and that it reflects how your Edited Reality is shaped by rules your subconscious learned by age 6. In other words, your reality is shaped by lessons in life learned as a child.

Ananya’s Struggle: The Shackles of Anxiety

Ananya’s panic at the workshop clearly showed how beliefs and Edited Reality can limit anyone in adversity.

She was intelligent and capable. Yet her racing heart and brain freeze were signs of an intense inner battle.

For as long as she could remember, Ananya had suffered criticism and rejection from her mother. This led her to subconsciously believe she ‘just wasn’t good enough’. She believed that others would find fault in hurtful ways when judged.

Therefore, anytime Ananya was the centre of attention, her subconscious wanted to protect her. Sensing danger, it edited her reality to amplify panic, which led to the Fight, Flight or Freeze Response.

At the seminar, when she looked at the blank faces in front of her, she was looking at a group of people who were relieved that they weren’t in her shoes. And who felt sympathy and empathy for her situation.

But that’s not the reality her subconscious mind made for her. It projected the image of a sneering and aggressively critical group.

And so, her anxiety was not just about the task itself but a product of deeply ingrained beliefs that shaped her Edited Reality.

Eddard’s Confidence: Wings of Composure

In contrast, Eddard’s beliefs led him to have faith in himself. At his core, he never doubted that he was safe, wanted, respected, or good enough.

At the seminar, Eddard’s subconscious edited his reality so that he would notice opportunity rather than danger. He viewed the challenge as a chance to learn and practice, not as a threat to his safety, belonging or esteem.

Eddard’s remarkable composure in tight corners flowed from this empowering Edited Reality.

I offered Ananya free coaching at the end of that seminar. I’m happy to say she accepted. I coached her through a 7 Skills to impress™ toolkit called ‘Review and Preview’ (R&P).

Her confidence and self-belief blossomed. I discuss her background and how R&P transformed her life in the Review and Preview lesson, which can be found here.

What You’ve Just Learned – and Why It Matters

In The Illusion of Reality, you discovered a fundamental truth:

We don’t see the world as it is; we see it as we were programmed to see it.

From our earliest years, our subconscious creates shortcuts, snap judgments and beliefs to help us make sense of life. But these mental “shortcuts” don’t just shape how we interpret what’s happening around us. They shape who we believe we are.

This is Edited Reality in action: the world filtered through a lens made of early experiences and beliefs. And it explains so much:

Why Ananya felt judged in a room full of support.
Why Jacqui could no longer imagine hope until Eddard helped her see it.
And why Eddard himself could remain calm: his Edited Reality was built on a foundation of safety, belief, and self-trust.

You now understand that these automatic perceptions aren’t facts; they’re beliefs, and beliefs can be reprogrammed.

What’s Coming Next – and Why It’s Important

In Who’s in Charge? You or Monkey Brain? We go deeper into the tug-of-war between your two minds:

System 1 (the fast, emotional, instinctive Monkey Brain), and
System 2 (the slow, rational, thoughtful Computer).

You’ll learn:

Why your Monkey Brain often hijacks you before your rational mind even gets a say.
How System 1 exaggerates danger, especially when your Identity tells it to.
And how people like Eddard learn to keep their System 2 online, even in crisis, while others, like Jacqui, in her darkest moment, feel completely taken over.

The real question is no longer, “Why do I feel this way?”

It becomes:

“Who’s running the show - and how can I take back control?”

This next chapter shows you how. It lays the groundwork for understanding the battle between impulse and intention, and begins revealing how the 7 Skills to impress™ were designed to help you win it.

When you understand how to spot your Monkey Brain in action, you can stop reacting and start leading.

Coming Next:

A powerful, foundational piece;

Who’s in Charge, You or Monkey Brain?

Part 1: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

Chapter 4. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 1.

Chapter 4b. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 2.

Chapter 5. How Identity Secretly Pulls Your Strings

Chapter 6. Unleash Your Potential: Understanding Your Identity Quotient (IDQ)

Who’s in Charge? You or Monkey Brain?

Mark Sapsford — Thu, 27 Nov 2025 22:04:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

Meet Your Invisible Puppeteer

The System 1 and System 2 Minds

This puzzle is designed to kick off an invisible tussle inside your head.

Mary’s mother has four daughters. They are called April, May, June, and….?

Can you name her fourth daughter?

The first time you hear this, your subconscious recognises the pattern and wants to answer “July”. But your conscious mind assumes it’s a trick and wants to problem-solve.

So while you consciously try to think through the information you have been given, you have to compete with the strong desire of your subconscious to complete the pattern.

For most people, what we call ‘instinct’ has the upper hand, and it’s hard to get ‘July’ out of our minds. So we don’t work out that ‘Mary’ is the answer.

Instincts about our safety are even more dominant.

We don’t control these instincts; they’re inborn, a reflex. For example, suppose a speeding car is about to hit you.

You don’t stop to think through your options. You feel a rush of adrenaline and instinctively jump out of the way.

System 1 Thinking

In his cutting-edge book, Thinking Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman called this System 1 thinking. System 1 is the ancient survival centre of the brain.

It’s what we’ve called, up until now, the subconscious mind.

System 1’s job is to keep us safe. Its pattern recognition program was developed in childhood, as I described in Chapter 2, ‘The Illusion of Reality’.

Your System 1 Brain operates in the background, scanning all the sights, sounds, sensations or scents streaming into the subconscious.

As it runs the rule over all this data, creating our Edited Reality, it quickly identifies patterns that could signal danger.

And so, System 1 ‘thinks fast’: it takes a part of a pattern it recognises, fills in the gaps and makes us aware of the danger it has put together from scraps of information.

It does this quickly to protect us. Any delay could put us in danger, so accuracy is less important than speed. Its goal is to spur us to react before it’s too late.

It’s Not Just About Safety — Social Needs Matter Too

Psychologists have added to Kahneman’s work to indicate that the risks System 1 is constantly scanning for are not just safety needs.

Once we feel safe, our social needs, our standing and popularity, move to the forefront.

I refer to these needs throughout the 7 Skills as safety, belonging and esteem.

Remember, System 1 manages millions of bits of information per second, streamed through our senses. It needs to take shortcuts to handle this volume and speed up our reaction time.

But as we have already seen, Kahneman proved that this process makes System 1 prone to jumping to conclusions and making mistakes.

System 1 Exaggerates Dangers

Sometimes, it will even see a risk where there isn’t one. This tactic has been successful throughout evolution, so it’s still with us today.

Your subconscious will trigger Fight, Flight or Freeze (FFF) in moments of pressure, which is often unhelpful in modern times.

Even worse, it has evolved to emphasise or even exaggerate anything it thinks may be dangerous.

It’s not hard to understand why. Imagine an Ancient Ancestor (AA) walking along a path in the Bush and glimpsing something through the undergrowth. Our ancestor doesn’t get a clear view. Just a flash of what could be a wild animal.

Maybe they see a part of the hide, or a paw or an ear. But the pattern is familiar to the Hunter-Gatherer. The subconscious mind fills in the missing pieces and fires the thought into AA’s conscious awareness that a lethal predator is waiting in ambush.

And so their subconscious wants to get them out of harm’s way. The only tool it has for this is FFF. AA’s heart rate shoots up, and adrenaline surges, preparing them to react without thinking.

Within a heartbeat of seeing the pattern, and without a moment’s thought, FFF kicks in, and our ancient ancestor runs away. They survive!

Now, suppose this pattern didn’t belong to a deadly beast. Maybe some shapes glimpsed through the undergrowth were of a smaller, harmless creature resembling the predator.

AA’s subconscious still comes to the same conclusion, and runs away. No harm done. The mistake wasn’t fatal, and they survived!

But what if the subconscious minimised the risk?

For example, if our ancestors had thought, “I’m not sure if it’s a small friendly creature or a dangerous predator, I’ll go and check”. Often enough, that ancestor would not survive to pass on their genes!

The ‘better safe than sorry’ approach has been hardwired into our brains. Maybe that’s why this instinct is still with us in modern times.

Ananya’s Edited Reality

This is what happened to Ananya at the seminar in Chapter 1. As I said in the last chapter:

“At the seminar, when she looked at the blank faces in front of her, she was looking at a group of people who were relieved that they weren’t in her shoes. And who felt sympathy and empathy for her situation”.
But that’s not the reality her subconscious mind made for her. It projected the image of a sneering and aggressively critical group”.

Ananya’s System 1 exaggerated her risk and created an Edited Reality that fired Fight, Flight or Freeze. Its aim was to cause her to run away or freeze and not be noticed and, thus, avoid the criticism it believed always came her way when she was at the centre of attention.

System 2 Thinking

In today’s world, where physical dangers are less immediate, the instinct to exaggerate risk can lead to unnecessary anxiety.

This is where System 2, or what we call the ‘conscious mind,’ comes into play. It’s a later evolutionary upgrade to our mental software.

It helps us to ‘think slow,’ and assess situations rationally. It allows us to rise above pure instinct and counter the impulsive reactions of our System 1 Brain.

From System 2, we gain self-will, restraint, long-term thinking and problem-solving ability. Kahneman called this ‘Thinking Slow’.

Monkey Brain and the Computer

Scientists and psychologists widely agree that we have two minds: an emotional, impulsive one (often called the “Monkey Brain” or “Chimp”) and a rational, deliberate one (the “Computer” or “Human Brain”). Under stress or emotion, the Monkey Brain, linked to our limbic system and tribal instincts, reacts first and often hijacks our thinking before logic gets a say.

Figures like Dr. Steve Peters, Robert Sapolsky, and Daniel Kahneman all describe this battle between fast, emotional reactions (System 1) and slower, reasoned thinking (System 2). Recognising this pattern is vital, because it allows us to learn how to manage our impulses rather than be ruled by them.

The Stroop Magnet

System 1 wants to ensure your survival, and this goal has priority. In times of stress, it takes over and grabs the driving seat. Let’s explore this effect through the Stroop Test.

Please read the words on the chart below. The first word is ‘pink’.

Now, please try this exercise again. But this time, read the colour of the text rather than the spelling. So, the first word is ‘green’.

Did you find this second run-through harder? If you did, it’s because your System 1 is running its pattern recognition program. Its instinct is to focus on the spelling because it’s a familiar pattern.

System 2 wants to rise above the reading impulse and name colours. So there is a fight for control between System 1 and System 2.

It’s hard enough to resist System 1 when you are relaxed. It can become impossible under pressure.

In adversity, this safety impulse narrows your focus. It magnifies dangers, draws them irresistibly to the centre of your attention and limits you to System 1 thinking.

This effect is called a Stroop Magnet.

When System 1 wins out, we switch to autopilot. We become unthinking and reactive. You might freeze, your limbs feel stiff, and you might be trembling (onset of FFF).

Reasoning is difficult, and it’s hard to answer even straightforward questions. And if it has completely switched off System 2, even the power of speech can desert us (full FFF).

How Did This Relate to Eddard and Jacqui?

As we learn about the workings of System 1 and System 2, can I invite you to think back to Jacqui and Eddard on that fateful night when we met them in the Prelude Chapter?

In those crucial moments, her System 1 was driven by stress and the profound pain of grief and despair. She was making a life-altering decision, but her rational System 2 mind was switched off.

Eddard’s Struggle

And don’t forget, Eddard was involved in the same struggle to control his mind. The stress of having the life of Jacqui and her children in his hands was a classic trigger for System 1 to step in and take over.

But Eddard kept his System 2 switched on, even during the most stressful moments of that negotiation. And he used his seemingly casual language with Jacqui to bypass the resistance of her System 1, reach in and bring her System 2 back online.

This moment depicts the complex battle for dominance between our instincts on one side and our strengths and abilities on the other.

Eddard was in no doubt about how he managed to do this. He would talk about how the first three pillars of the 7 Skills to impress™ turned his negotiations from a tit-for-tat argument and power struggle into a genuine and cooperative search for the best outcome.

In his view, Identify Your Outcome, Manage Your State, and Practice Rapport (IMP) were 80% of the secret.

They were the foundation of his composure and the connection with Jacqui that enabled his influence. The remaining elements of the 7 Skills created the persuasive words that allowed him to “change minds”. (We reveal all his methods in Part 2 of The 7 Skills to impress™.)

Keep this story in mind as we explore further how our subconscious and conscious minds wrestle for control, especially when the stakes are at their highest.

The Force Behind the Curtain: Identity

System 1’s job is to protect you. And it does that relentlessly. Yet it does not work alone. It is guided by a deeply ingrained sense of who you are. That inner picture of yourself influences what feels safe, what feels threatening, and what matters. We call that inner picture your Identity.

Formed early in our lives, Identity shapes our perception of the world and our reactions to it. It’s built upon fundamental beliefs, some of which we have already talked about. They are:

Safety
Belonging
Esteem
Capability
Sense of Purpose

These qualities are more than just a list. They are like a matrix, interwoven through every cell of our being. They are the building blocks of our psychological and emotional soul.

They form an innate sense of who we are. A self-portrait mainly built by age six, which, from then on, quietly steers our every waking moment.

And that is what Identity is.

Identity is the Template for your Edited Reality

I mentioned above that System 1 needs help to know what protection we need. And to guide its Sifting and Sorting accordingly.

This is where Identity comes in. It acts like a template that decides what data is sifted and sorted into your System 2 awareness.

System 1 thinks it has built your Identity perfectly for this role. From your first moments, it began working out if you were safe, wanted, respected and capable.

And over your first few years, Identity builds a set of beliefs around your strengths or flaws in these areas. And they act like rules to protect you from risk.

These beliefs and rules become totally ingrained, a part of who you are.

System 1 constantly filters sensory information through this lens of Identity as we navigate through life.

It allows through only what matches our deep-seated beliefs and rules. And from this very cropped set of information crafts our ‘Edited Reality,’ (ER).

And our ER creates a sense of safety or risk, a picture that may or may not be reliable. And if we feel danger because of our ER, our System 1 may try to shut down System 2.

Understanding this intricate dance between our subconscious instincts, conscious thoughts, and the role of Identity is crucial.

It’s about who we are and how Identity shapes how we assess and interact with the world around us.

Ananya and Eddard’s Identity

What we’ve learned about Identity casts further light on Ananya and Eddard and the counting exercise at the seminar we heard about in Chapter 1.

Ananya’s Identity would contain ideas such as:

I’m not good enough

and

Everyone thinks I’m stupid.

For Eddard, it would be more like:

I’ve got what it takes to handle any challenge.

And since their impression of the event is led by Identity, this same event looked entirely different for each of them. And their individual take on what it meant to them was instant.

And so, Ananya’s Sifting and Sorting process would filter out any evidence of her abilities and the respect she was held in. Her ER was of an audience ready to shoot her down.

All Eddard sensed was support and respect.

As a result, Ananya was stressed and panicked. Eddard felt comfortable and at ease and could perform at his best. And as I said, their unique reactions were instant.

What You’ve Just Learned – and Why It Matters

In Who’s in Charge?, we saw the tug-of-war between your two minds:

System 1, the fast, instinctive “Monkey Brain” that jumps to protect you
System 2, the slower, rational “Computer” that lets you solve problems and act with intention.

We learned how, in moments of pressure, your Monkey Brain often grabs the wheel, triggering Fight, Flight or Freeze, shutting down your thinking, and altering how you see the world.

We saw how this played out for Ananya at the seminar, how it nearly consumed Jacqui in her moment of despair, and how Eddard, using the 7 Skills, kept his System 2 engaged and used his language to reawaken Jacqui’s.

The takeaway? You can’t turn Monkey Brain off, but you can learn to work around it.

And that journey begins with understanding what your Monkey Brain is protecting: Your Identity.

What’s Coming Next – and Why It’s Important

In “The Identity Matrix, How To Build a Human Being”, we shine a light on the hidden system that’s been quietly shaping your behaviour, emotions, and instincts since birth.

You’ll discover:

The five building blocks of Identity: Safety, Belonging, Esteem, Capability, and Purpose.
Why your reactions to pressure aren’t random, they’re coded into your Identity.
How your score on each building block forms your IDQ (Identity Quotient), a measure of how confidently and calmly you show up in life.

You’ll see why Ananya’s fear of judgement wasn’t irrational, it was her Identity working overtime to protect her from what it believed was danger.

And why Eddard’s calmness wasn’t just experience, it came from a strong internal sense of Safety, Belonging, and Capability.

You’ll even start to understand Jacqui’s mindset that night in the park, not as weakness, but as the inevitable result of an Identity shaped by grief and abandonment.

This chapter isn’t just about understanding yourself; it’s about rebuilding the foundations of confidence and composure.

Because once you decode the matrix, you can begin to reshape it.

Coming next: Chapter 4: The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being.

Part 1: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

Chapter 4. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 1.

Chapter 4b. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 2.

Chapter 5. How Identity Secretly Pulls Your Strings

Chapter 6. Unleash Your Potential: Understanding Your Identity Quotient (IDQ)

The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 1

Mark Sapsford — Wed, 26 Nov 2025 19:25:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

You are the Sum of Your Primal Instincts

Hiding beneath the surface of your everyday choices is an ancient coding. A blueprint so ingrained that it shapes your every move without you even noticing.

This is where the template for your views, feelings and thoughts is designed, and why your every step is more predictable than you ever realised.

In this chapter, we put it under the spotlight. We will dive into the Identity Matrix, peeling back layers of your consciousness to reveal the primal forces that make you, you.

This chapter lays the groundwork so you can decode the cues hidden in your language that betray your inner fears, instincts and motivators. And expose the invisible threads that tie your past to your present.

Identity is your mission control centre; understanding it allows you to use the 7 Skills to set the stage for your future.

These ideas sit at the centre of the 7 Skills Identity Model. I’ll walk you through it now, layer by layer, so you can see how Identity shapes the way you think, feel, and act.

Safety: The Base of the 7 Skills Identity Model

We’ve all had moments when fear hijacks our attention. I’ll never forget the night I was home alone and thought an intruder was in my creaky house. As the wind howled, I swore I heard footsteps creeping up the stairs.

I grabbed a cricket bat and searched in vain for the “intruder,” my heart racing. In that instant, I could think of nothing but my imagined threat.

Not my plans for tomorrow, looming work deadlines, everyday issues like ailments or financial concerns, or how mad my behaviour would appear the next morning. Just the imminent “danger” before me.

Now imagine living in that narrowed state of fear constantly. When we feel under threat, it’s all we can focus on. The survival reflex takes over, our Fight, Flight or Freeze response.

If a risk is worrying enough, our thoughts turn short-term: surviving each day, avoiding harm, and securing food and shelter. There is no room for anything but basic needs, not our relationships, our purpose, our emotional intelligence or vision for the future.

This is the grip of fear. And it’s why a persistent sense of danger shrinks our perspective. We operate in survival mode, never looking far ahead or considering others’ needs. Our minds are dominated by the source of risk before us.

You cannot build a house without solid foundations.

A person cannot develop into a fulfilled adult unless their Safety needs are met.

And so, people who live in a climate of fear are reduced to living by basic instincts. They don’t develop the moral codes of those who live more secure lives.

And, in a moment, fear can strip away morals from people who have grown used to feeling safe.

I have seen this many times in my police career. I recall discussing this once with my Firearms Tactical Advisor.

I had asked him about a job that had gone off a few days earlier. The firearms team had been surprised by an armed and dangerous criminal. They arrested him, but not before they had fired seven rounds that missed their target.

This was a sin for us, and the fallout was rumbling around the police firearms world. If you fire, you must hit your target. Luckily, no one had been hurt by a stray round. But my TAC advisor said they had learned something important.

Selection for firearms was really tough, and those officers were brave, very well-trained and prepared. But when they were ambushed and shot at, they thought they were about to die.

At that moment, only one thing mattered to them. Higher-level needs such as Belonging, being loved, wanted and respected weren’t on the radar. The innate desire for survival replaced all morals and high-level behaviours.

Quickly, their training kicked back in, and they regained their poise. But not before they had instinctively let off seven rounds.

He said they had learned that you can’t train that survival instinct away.

As a child grows, in those formative years up to six, Safety is vital if they are to develop into healthy, happy and fulfilled people.

Belonging: Humans Have a Natural Urge to Belong to a Tribe

The Outsider

As a young cop fresh on the force, I was keenly aware of the gap between me and my shift colleagues. They were a tight-knit group, seasoned and experienced.

On the surface, I was received well enough, but I thought there was an unspoken barrier. I felt like an outsider, not fully included, especially outside of work.

Then, one evening, I was sent to a routine domestic dispute. Arriving at the scene, I came face to face with the husband. He was shocked to see me, high on something, and immediately lost it!

In a flash, he grabbed an enormous Gurkha knife and charged at me, screaming that he was going to kill me. I just had time to call for backup before he lunged at me. I parried one blow of the blade with my truncheon. I braced for more.

But, thankfully, because he was intoxicated, he was too slow with the next strike. Taking my chance, I hit him. The knife clattered to the ground, and I tackled him, wrestling him into handcuffs.

Moments later, my backup arrived. Not just one or two officers, but my entire shift! They had raced through the city, doing whatever it took to get to me as quickly as possible. They’d driven over pavements, the wrong way down streets and abandoned their cars ad hoc as they pulled up outside at the scene and raced to my side.

At that moment, something changed. As I stood there, catching my breath, their swift response and concern for my safety spoke volumes.

From then on, I knew I was accepted as a valued member of the team. The bond forged in that moment made me feel more than I was before. Braver, stronger and more worthy. I’d found my tribe.

We Are Pack Animals

As Hunter-Gatherers, humans needed to be part of a tribe for survival and Safety. We are pack animals and feel safer in groups. If you were on your own, you were weaker and at risk.

But the tribe couldn’t afford to carry anyone. To belong, you had to bring something the tribe needed. Tracking, skill with weapons, hunting, building, storytelling, cooking, etc.

And so, to be wanted by a tribe showed you were a valuable person. And my shift’s response to my backup call told me just that. They valued me!

These instincts are still with us today. We want and need to fit in and be liked.

Being shunned can lead to feelings of vulnerability and worthlessness. But if we can align with a tribe, it implies that we are wanted. And that, in turn, enhances our feeling of being valuable and worthwhile, which makes us feel safer.

Today, people find their tribes in many different ways. For some, it’s a community where they live or work. Others align around teams they support or play for. Fashions, hobbies, music, interests, causes or politics can offer the same opportunity to find a group where you feel you belong.

Belonging builds on and adds to a sense of Safety. People who score well in these areas are more relaxed in difficult times. They feel less stress and can release their talents.

Esteem: We Desire Respect and Approval

In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes

Andy Warhol.

Warhol’s famous quote is the modern face of an ancient human drive for attention and being heard.

Warhol’s words seem farsighted in today’s influencer age. He reveals the eternally enduring human drive to be respected, seen and heard by one’s tribe.

Whether around a Stone Age campfire or in an Instagram feed, the urge to be heard and the status from holding people’s attention has as much power today as in ancient times.

Status and Esteem were the hallmarks of those who rose above the crowd and had that bit extra to offer.

When these people spoke, and people listened, it showed that their words were valuable. The wisdom they had to share was helpful to the tribe.

They were the influencers. They had standing, which possibly meant they got more perks like protection, the best food and their pick of partners.

And today, these urges are still within us. We all want to express ourselves because we have an ancient need to share our learning and wisdom.

And when people listen, parts of our brains dating from the distant past feel respected.

Once someone feels they belong to a group, they will naturally seek to fulfil their need to be noticed. Esteem can be earned from whatever position you hold in the group, as an admired leader or valued team member, a storyteller, a joker and so on.

A good Esteem score, as with Belonging, boosts a sense of Safety. And if you add them together, you are building strong self-belief. And this belief enables you to be confident and at your best in testing times.

Continued in Part 2…

Part 1: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

Chapter 4. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 1.

Chapter 4b. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 2.

Chapter 5. How Identity Secretly Pulls Your Strings

Chapter 6. Unleash Your Potential: Understanding Your Identity Quotient (IDQ)

The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 2

Mark Sapsford — Mon, 24 Nov 2025 19:26:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

Capability: Our innate confidence to succeed at a task or challenge

Capability is a natural way of thinking summed up by the Elevate Formula. And it is an integral part of Safety, Belonging and Esteem.

Our sense of Capability, how able we feel to handle life’s challenges, is central to our Identity and self-esteem.

People with a low belief in their Capability tend to think they are not good enough when stress or adversity strikes. Those with high beliefs are more likely to believe in their abilities.

These beliefs about our Capability are deeply ingrained in our subconscious. And they drive our behaviours and outlook when we face difficulties.

The Elevate Formula (EF) sums up the thought patterns behind High or Low IDQ.

EF is so crucial to confidence and performance in adversity that it is its own skill, Skill 5 of the 7 Skills to impress™. There, we look at how to use it to build bulletproof mental strength and to make our language naturally inspiring.

In this chapter, we’ll see how the Elevate Formula reflects a person’s Identity at a Capability level.

The Elevate Formula is Deep!

The Elevate Formula is encoded deep in our subconscious programming. When anxious, we filter hardship through three perceptions:

1. Self or Other: Is this my fault or caused by external factors?

2. Broad or Narrow: Will the impacts spill into other areas of my life or remain contained?

3. Lasting or Fleeting: Is this challenge here to stay, or will it pass quickly?

These filters influence our readiness to navigate life’s difficulties. Those who see trials as Other, Narrow and Fleeting cope best under pressure.

They retain belief in their enduring strengths. Reframing challenges this way is crucial to resilience.

They’re the essence of Capability, and they impact how we approach problems, how we feel about ourselves, and how we interact with the world.

The diagram above neatly sums up The Elevate Formula and Capability.

Great Shot!

Two of my friends, Grumps and Noisy, are the perfect opposites and show what this is all about. We play doubles tennis every week, and their reaction to a few bad shots is as funny as it is instructive.

For Grumpy, just one poor shot is enough to set him off moaning. He’ll begin to mutter things like, “Why can’t I just hit the flaming ball… That’s it. Here I go again…. Why can’t I play like I do in practice…? It’s always the same. I’m rubbish….”

He’s got a good game inside him, but he hardly ever performs to his potential.

I place Grumpy on the above chart from the bottom looking up, because he interprets his mistakes as;

1. Self: It’s always due to his poor performance.

2. Broad: It’s always the same, every game.

3. Lasting: A mishit is never a one-off for Grumpy. It’s always a “sign” of things to come.

Grumpy doesn’t have faith in his Strengths, Qualities and Attributes (SQAs) to help him succeed. Looking up from the bottom of the chart, Grumps sees them as;

1. Other: He views a good shot as unusual.

2. Narrow: Even if he has a good game, he doesn’t expect to play well in the next.

3. Fleeting: It doesn’t lift him when he plays well because he thinks the good spell will soon pass.

Noisy is the opposite. He’s hilariously over-optimistic. He’ll knock the ball way out and say out loud, “Superb shot!” Asked to explain how a bad miss could be described that way, he’ll say, “My timing was a millisecond out, otherwise, it was perfect!”

Noisy’s position on the chart is at the top, looking down. He sees his mistakes as:

1. Other: It’s not about his ability. He never doubts that he’s good enough.

2. Narrow: After a bad shot or even a bad game, he’s confident the next one will be good.

3. Fleeting: The mistake is over and behind him almost as soon as it happened.

And Noisy is confident in his strengths; he sees them as:

1. Self: In difficult times, he backs himself and his abilities to win through and succeed.

2. Broad: in any moment or challenge in his life, he believes he’s got what it takes, and will show as much sooner or later.

3. Lasting: A poor spell is unusual. His talents are always there, ready to burst out at any moment.

So that’s how my friends see a problem – through the lens of The Elevate Formula. It’s ingrained in their Identity and creates their Edited Reality.

Noisy doesn’t have the self-doubt that grips Grumps. It’s easy to see how the EF fuels his confidence and resilience. That’s why he feels ‘Capable’ when the chips are down.

Our sense of ‘Capability’ reflects our scores on Safety, Belonging and Esteem.

People who score well for Safety, Belonging and Esteem ‘know’ their Strengths, Qualities and Attributes (SQAs) are ‘good enough’ for the challenges they face. In other words, they believe they are ‘Capable’ people.

And, of course, the opposite is true. People who don’t score well in the first three levels of our Identity Model have little confidence in their abilities.

And that’s why I said at the top of this piece;

Capability is a natural way of thinking summed up by the Elevate Formula. And it is an integral part of Safety, Belonging and Esteem.

Sense of Purpose: Living Life with Ambition, Motivation and Intent.

People with a Sense of Purpose have a presence. They are curious, interested and goal-oriented.

Someone who feels safe can look up and be aware of what’s happening around them. If they think they fit in and belong, they will feel part of things and want to shape them.

A good Esteem score means they are used to airing their views and being taken seriously. And the Elevate Formula empowers them to back their skills against any problem they face.

All this adds up to a desire to make a difference, a belief that they can, and to do so is their purpose. It leads to ambition, motivation and intent.

The human drive to feel useful and to make a difference can be traced back to our earliest history. Those of our ancestors who contributed to the survival and well-being of their tribe were more likely to be valued, supported, and protected, and so more likely to pass on their genes.

Over time, traits linked with being useful became deeply rooted in us.

It’s where our need to show that our skills and abilities are of value comes from, to be part of something larger than ourselves and to make a difference.

It’s no surprise, then, that modern research shows the same pattern: people who live with a strong Sense of Purpose, what the philosopher Aristotle called ‘Eudaemonia’. They don’t just feel more fulfilled, they show measurable differences in their biology, including lower inflammation and stronger immune systems.

Our bodies respond when we believe our lives have meaning. Sense of Purpose is not just a feeling; it’s healthy.

When people feel they are not ‘useful’ and not valuable to society, anxiety grows, purpose fades, and Identity weakens. A Low IDQ follows. It can create disruptive behaviour as the mind searches for ways to feel seen and valued again.

And so, if you believe you are a ‘useful’ person, you feel of value to your community. That belief is a big step towards a High IDQ. It gives a sense of direction, meaning and fulfilment, the quiet satisfaction of knowing that what you do matters.

Identity: Your Innate Self-Image.

So what is Identity? It’s the sum of your primal instincts around Safety, Belonging, Esteem, Capability and Purpose.

Identity is like our code, our ancient “operating system” that shapes how we sense and respond to the world. It runs quietly in the background of our minds.

Identity shapes our Edited Reality. Every waking moment, it filters, Sifts, and Sorts to match every event and encounter to our beliefs about how the world works.

This code is built from all our beliefs in each intertwined layer of the 7 Skills identity model.

The 7 Skills Identity Model is not presented to you as an ordered list…

… but rather a system, an Identity Matrix, in which each layer complements the others. There is a flow and logic to the order I’ve chosen for the Model, but it wouldn’t be a problem to change it around a little.

Belonging improves Safety, and Esteem strengthens Belonging. And without a high Capability score, a High IDQ in the other layers would not be possible.

However, Safety is the foundation of the entire Identity Model. Many sources support the idea of Safety as the seed ground of human development and a moral code.

If you remove it, all the other elements collapse. The other layers are interlinked but don’t prop up the others in the same way.

So, no, the Identity Model is not a hierarchy. But Safety is the foundation for the other layers to stand upon. And a Sense of Purpose stands on the shoulders of the rest of the Model.

Our Identity is the accumulation of all the traits from the layers of the Identity Model.

Emerging from these layers are key features of our nature, which form a huge part of who we are and shape our instincts, how life affects us and how people come to see us.

Learning about our Identity and its effect on us allows us to take back control. By decoding the hidden cues in our language and behaviour, we can trace the invisible threads from our past to our present.

With the 7 Skills to impress™, we can break the threads and reshape limiting Identity Beliefs, (Sacred Flaws). We can update the “software” of our operating system.

What You’ve Just Learned – and Why It Matters

In The Identity Matrix, you uncovered what truly drives human behaviour:

Identity: an ancient operating system built on Safety, Belonging, Esteem, Capability, and Purpose.

These five core instincts form the structure of your self-image. Together, they quietly shape your confidence, influence your reactions to stress, and colour how you see every challenge.

You discovered how:

Jacqui’s despair wasn’t irrational. It was the collapse of an Identity stripped of hope, purpose, and self-worth.
Ananya’s panic echoed childhood experiences shaping her sense of Capability and Esteem.
Eddard’s calm came not just from training, but from a deep, internal sense of Safety, belonging, and belief in his ability.

You also began to see how a person’s IDQ, their Identity Quotient, can predict how they perform under pressure. When your IDQ is strong, confidence flows naturally. But when it is low, your subconscious constantly scans for rejection, failure, or danger, even when none exists.

What’s Coming Next – and Why It’s Important

In How Identity Secretly Pulls Your Strings, you’ll discover the three hidden levers that complete the Identity model, and reveal how deeply your reactions are programmed:

Identity Beliefs: Spontaneous, unguarded thoughts that reveal what you really believe about yourself.
Internal vs External Reference: Do you measure your worth from within, or wait for others to tell you you’re OK?
Towards vs Away From: Do you instinctively pursue goals, or avoid risk?

These hidden settings influence everything, from the words that tumble out when you trip or misspeak, to the courage (or fear) you bring to big decisions.

You’ll see how a subtle shift in Tumbril the cricketer’s Identity turned a career of near-failure into international success.

And you’ll start to recognise your own unspoken Identity Beliefs, and how they’ve been editing your reality, limiting your potential, and pulling your strings without your awareness.

This is where real transformation begins. Because once you see the code, you can start to rewrite it.

Coming Next…

A rich and insightful story that purposefully builds on everything that’s come before:

Chapter 5. How Identity Secretly Pulls Your Strings.

Do you know your IDQ? Press this button, and in less than three minutes you’ll get your snapshot. (None of your personal information is shared).

Hit the button for your snapshot

Part 1: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

Chapter 4. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 1.

Chapter 4b. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 2.

Chapter 5. How Identity Secretly Pulls Your Strings

Chapter 6. Unleash Your Potential: Understanding Your Identity Quotient (IDQ)

How Identity Secretly Pulls Your Strings

Mark Sapsford — Sun, 23 Nov 2025 14:36:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

“No two people see the external world in exactly the same way. To every separate person, a thing is what they think it is; in other words, not a thing, but a think.”

Penelope Fitzgerald

We like to believe we control our actions and reactions to events, but we may not be following our free will as much as we thought!

As we saw in earlier chapters, your Identity begins shaping itself early in life, creating shortcuts to keep you safe from danger, rejection, and failure. It develops patterns to manage stress, shortcuts to help you belong, and habits to avoid being humiliated.

But Why Does Identity Do This?

Because your subconscious is always running a hidden programme, a Theory of Control.

It’s constantly asking:

How can I stay safe?
How can I be accepted?
How can I avoid embarrassment, pain, or loss?

The answers it finds are emotional, not logical. They take shape as beliefs – not about the world, but about you. These beliefs eventually become the rules of your internal operating system. And over time, they become secret rules that edit your reality and pull your strings.

For most of our waking lives, the following three areas of our behaviour are being controlled behind the scenes;

Identity Beliefs,
The Towards or Away From instinct,
The Internal or External Reference

These beliefs are not neutral. They’re shortcuts designed to control how we behave and to control how others respond to us, to avoid being hurt, rejected, or embarrassed. They help us navigate the emotional risks of life. But as I’ll explain, they often become prisons we can’t see.

Identity Beliefs: The First Hidden String

You can see Identity Beliefs in the 7 Skills to impress™ Identity Model above – represented on the left and right of each layer. On the left, they are uplifting. On the right, they are limiting.

As children, by the age of 6, as we saw in Chapter 2, The Illusion of Reality, we developed a powerful skill: we learned to imagine what others were thinking about us. But, as we know, these are beliefs, not facts.

Identity Beliefs are born as strategies for emotional control. They are our subconscious way of thinking:

If I believe this about myself, maybe I can stay safe, wanted and respected.

These beliefs are based on emotionally charged events and imagined outcomes. They may not be accurate, but they feel like the truth. And so they become protected.

Over time, they harden into what Will Storr calls in his fabulous Book, ‘The Science of Storytelling’, Sacred Flaws.

Tumbril’s Sacred Flaw: “I’m probably not good enough.”

Tumbril was a professional cricketer, a fast, left-arm bowler, a quality highly prized in the sport. But his coach told me he was on the verge of being ‘let go’.

When we first met, I built Rapport and listened. In the first 30 minutes, he said some version of the phrase “I’m probably not good enough” several times.

This wasn’t just insecurity. It was a verbal expression of Identity; his Theory of Control.

Tumbril had the potential to be a match-winner. But just as often, he was a match-loser. His pace was incredible, but he would lose control, give away runs, and spiral.

Our everyday language tends to hide the doubts we hold deep inside. But instinctive comments bubble out into the open under pressure or in unguarded moments.

They emerge from the deepest recesses of our minds. They contain the raw inner truths we usually conceal. The source of these comments was his Sacred Flaw.

He hallucinated disapproval. A blank look from a batsman became a signal of disrespect. A poor delivery became confirmation of his inadequacy. Even when others praised him, he couldn’t hear it. His Identity was editing his reality.

Tumbril wasn’t hearing what his teammates actually thought. He was imagining it.

He was filtering everything through his Capability Sacred Flaw: I’m not good enough.

We used the 7 Skills to impress™ approach to update his Theory of Control. Since he was already an expert at hallucinating rejection, I guided him to hallucinate something else: that everyone thought he was brilliant.

After just two sessions, he returned excited, saying his teammates were now talking about how he was “bowling rockets.” I smiled, because they always had.

He just hadn’t been able to hear it.

That subtle shift in Identity changed everything. When he bowled a poor ball, he no longer panicked. He saw it as Other, Narrow and Fleeting, not proof he was a failure. His Sacred Flaw was no longer running the show. His real talent was.

That season, he produced world-class figures. The following year, he signed with one of England’s biggest clubs. Not long after, he played for his national team, all from one small but powerful change: a new belief about himself.

Liam and the Lens of Stupidity

Sacred Flaws often reveal themselves in moments of shock or stress, if you know how and when to listen.

Take my friend Liam. He once stepped out into the road without looking. A car swerved and blared its horn. No harm done, but Liam was shaken.

The first words out of his mouth?

“Darn! I’m so stupid.”

This wasn’t just frustration. It was a window into his Theory of Control.

His Sacred Flaw wasn’t just a thought. It was a lens. He saw the world through it.

We know this is a belief that reflects a Low IDQ because of the Elevate Formula structure he uses to express this belief, i.e., “stupid” is Self, Broad and Lasting.

He saw mistakes as evidence that he was fundamentally flawed. He held back in meetings. He apologised before sharing ideas. He didn’t trust praise. He feared success because success invites scrutiny.

Like Tumbril, he wasn’t reacting to events. He was reacting to his Identity Belief, his internal rule for controlling life.

What Makes Sacred Flaws So Powerful?

They feel true. They’re emotional, not rational.
They shape perception. You only notice what confirms the belief.
They filter feedback. Praise gets dismissed. Criticism becomes gospel.
They become hidden rules for survival. They dictate how much of yourself you show, how much you try, and how much risk you’ll take.

But Sacred Flaws are just old strategies. And they can be rewritten.

The 7 Skills to impress™ model doesn’t just diagnose them. It helps you change them.

Internal vs External: Another Theory of Control

High IDQ individuals have an internal reference system. When they face a challenge, they look inward. Their compass is built from their own qualities and values.

Low IDQs depend on feedback from others. If someone smiles, they feel safe. If someone frowns, they feel exposed; their sense of worth changes with the emotional weather.

This is another version of the Theory of Control:

If others approve of me, I’ll be OK. If they don’t, I won’t.

Towards vs Away From: Future Control in Action

High IDQs instinctively move towards goals. They seek opportunities, spot solutions, and act. Why? Because they believe they are capable, wanted, and safe.

Low IDQs are wired to move away from a threat. They scan for what could go wrong and try to avoid pain.

This, too, is a form of control:

If I avoid this risk, I can avoid feeling not good enough.

But that avoidance keeps them stuck. What was once a safety mechanism becomes a limitation.

As a result, ‘Towards’ people are more ‘go for it’ types and are generally more optimistic. ‘Away From’ can appear pessimistic.

In Part 2, Chapter 4, Reveal Persuasion Pathways, I explain how someone’s language contains cues that give away their internal/external bias and how we can use this to influence ethically.

The idea of the Theory of Control, and our Sacred Flaws as expressed by Identity Beliefs, Internal/External and Towards/Away From, complete the 7 Skills Identity model. It is a beautiful summary of how System 1 and Identity create our Edited Reality and pull our strings.

And, this fully explains the quote I opened with;

No two people see the external world in exactly the same way. To every separate person, a thing is what they think it is; in other words, not a thing, but a think.

PENELOPE FITZGERALD

What You’ve Just Learned – and Why It Matters

In How Identity Secretly Pulls Your Strings, you uncovered the hidden levers that guide your every thought, feeling, and action, often without your awareness.

You now know how:

Identity Beliefs begin as subconscious strategies, your mind’s attempt to control how others treat you, how you avoid pain, and how you stay safe.
These beliefs can solidify into Sacred Flaws, limiting self-truths that feel so real, we protect them even when they hold us back.
Whether you scan Internally or Externally affects your confidence, resilience, and emotional independence.
Whether you move Towards rewards or Away From threats determines how you respond to challenge, pressure, and uncertainty.

This deeper layer of programming explains why:

Tumbril couldn’t hear praise, because his Identity had decided it was dangerous to believe he was good enough.
Liam’s Sacred Flaw shaped his whole outlook, not just in crisis, but in everyday life.
Jacqui’s darkest moment wasn’t weakness; it was the crash of an Identity trying to protect her children and herself from forces she believed she could no longer control.

You’re not just reacting to the world.

You’re reacting to the version of the world your Identity creates.

The good news? Once you see the system, you can change it, which is where we’re going next.

What’s Coming Next – and Why It’s Important

In Unleash Your Potential: The Power of IDQ, we bring everything together.

You’ll explore:

That IDQ really is a measure of your emotional integrity across Safety, Belonging, Esteem, Capability, and Purpose
How your IDQ shapes your Edited Reality, whether you see setbacks as threats or as opportunities
The dramatic difference between living with a High IDQ or a Low IDQ, and how that affects your health, happiness, influence, and fulfilment

You’ll also discover why:

Many people succeed with a Low IDQ but pay a heavy price.
High IDQ empowers parents, teachers, coaches, and leaders to unlock potential in others, not just in themselves.

And most powerfully of all:

You’ll see how the 7 Skills to impress™ were designed to help you shift from Low to High IDQ, naturally, ethically, and lastingly.

Coming next:

A powerful close to Part 1 of The 7 Skills to impress™,

Chapter 6: Unleash Your Potential – The Power of IDQ.

Part 1: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

Chapter 4. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 1.

Chapter 4b. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 2.

Chapter 5. How Identity Secretly Pulls Your Strings

Chapter 6. Unleash Your Potential: Understanding Your Identity Quotient (IDQ)

Unleash Your Potential: Understanding Your Identity Quotient (IDQ)

Mark Sapsford — Sat, 22 Nov 2025 15:43:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

Your Identity shapes how you see challenge, how you handle pressure and how others experience you. Your Identity Quotient reveals the pattern underneath.

Full Description here…

Identity Quotient Explained

We’ll look at the power of a High IDQ, and how it unlocks a healthier, happier, and more rewarding life. And why it makes you more influential and popular.

This chapter will show how parents and teachers with a High IDQ light up their children’s motivation and sense of purpose. And how they nurture their self-esteem and confidence.

It covers how High IDQ coaches and leaders release the skills, abilities and qualities of their people. And lift their athletes, workers and teams to elite-level performance.

We’ll also talk through some advantages of a Low IDQ.

In this chapter (quick index)

What IDQ is, and why it drives confidence, health, and influence
The score ranges (Low / Mid / High) and what they feel like day-to-day
High vs Low IDQ across the Identity Model: Safety, Belonging, Esteem, Capability, Purpose
How Explanatory Style shapes resilience (and performance of those you lead)
The Anabolic vs Catabolic states (health & longevity implications)
Real-world applications for parents, teachers, coaches, leaders
The useful side of a Low IDQ, and its hidden costs

If you haven’t already, take your three-minute IDQ Snapshot and see where you sit.

IDQ Snapshot

What’s the Difference between a High and Low IDQ?

The 7 Skills to impress™ Identity Model shows the Identity Quotient scores along the bottom. The details I give here describe an acute example. So as you read, please keep your score in mind and adjust to a milder take if you feel it fits better.

First, Let’s Take a Look at the Numbers in Red – the Outliers

Someone who scores 28 to 30 is probably overly confident. They are not inclined to critically review their actions because they:

Totally believe in themselves.
Seldom accept they are at fault when problems occur.
Are very bad at taking feedback from other people.

People who score this high can be hugely inspirational. But over time, they tend to lose trust as they come to be seen as out of touch with reality.

Scoring within the 0 to 2 group suggests a very downbeat state of mind. If you score here, then please look out for the following symptoms and seek help if you see yourself in this list:

Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, and emptiness.
Angry outbursts, being grumpy, even over small matters.
Loss of interest in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports.
Poor sleep, unable to sleep or sleeping too much.
Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort.
Loss of hunger and weight loss or cravings for food and weight gain.
Constant worry.
Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements.
Feelings of failure or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame.
Unable to think clearly or focus, with poor memory.
Often thinking about death or suicide.
Worrying about illness or issues, such as back pain or headaches.

IDQ and Safety

A High IDQ is more likely to see opportunities around them than threats. which makes them generally more relaxed. They believe they have what it takes to keep themselves, their loved ones, and their possessions safe.

Low IDQs don’t believe they have the skills, qualities and attributes, or SQAs, to look after themselves or their loved ones. So, they tend to read threats and problems into many more issues than the average person. This makes them nervous and less willing to take on a challenge or risk.

IDQ and Belonging

A High IDQ person enjoys social interaction at work or in their private life, and they assume they will be welcome in a group setting, whether with old friends or new people.

If things don’t go perfectly, they are less likely to be put off. And they are more receptive to the openings that networks of friends and contacts tend to generate.

Low IDQs fear rejection and doubt whether they are popular or even wanted in social gatherings. And so, they can be nervous and easily offended.

Building networks of friends and contacts is a struggle for Low IDQs. They assume their views will not be respected, so they are reluctant to share them, limiting their chances for growth socially and at work.

IDQ and Esteem

High Identity Quotient people are happy to share their ideas and views because they expect to be respected. Their self-esteem is healthy, so they don’t take disagreements or setbacks personally.

Low IDQs believe their lack of popularity and respect is behind everyday conflicts and disputes. And so they are more sensitive and easily offended by seemingly harmless comments.

IDQ and Capability

A High Identity Quotient person sees a problem as manageable. They are not ashamed or embarrassed by a setback because, in their Edited Reality, it isn’t a reflection of their Identity.

They believe they have the Skills, Qualities and Attributes, or SQAs, to cope with and succeed at any challenge. And if they are lacking, they assume they can learn them or find the help and support they need.

And so, their outlook is that:

Their SQAs are Self, Broad and Lasting.
Adversity is Other, Narrow and Fleeting.

A Low IDQ finds setbacks stressful and often feels overwhelmed by problems. They don’t feel confident in the face of a challenge. This is because they see:

Adversity as Self, Broad and Lasting.
Their SQAs as Other, Narrow and Fleeting.

This is why they are often embarrassed by setbacks because they believe they reflect their self-image. They doubt themselves and may view challenges and new opportunities as things to avoid.

IDQ and Sense of Purpose

I covered this in Part 1 of the 7 Skills Book, Chapter 4, Part 2. This is what I said there.

Someone who feels safe can look up and be aware of what’s happening around them. If they think they fit in and belong, they will feel part of things and want to shape them.
A good Esteem score means they are used to airing their views and being taken seriously. And the Elevate Formula empowers them to back their skills against any problem they face.
So High IDQs feel useful. They have something valuable to contribute. Which all adds up to a desire to make a difference, a belief that they can do so and that it is their purpose. It leads to a life filled with ambition, motivation and intent.
Individuals with Low IDQ traits may have low confidence, feel they have little to offer and become frustrated when trying to get their ideas across.
They may struggle to find meaning in their daily lives and feel unhappy with their personal and work goals. This can affect their overall sense of happiness and well-being.

IDQ and Internal/External

An ‘Internal’ person is confident in their own mind. They will take some convincing if you disagree with them. They appear to be sure and unmoved by criticism.

They may miss helpful feedback, because they ‘edit it out’ if it doesn’t match their thinking.

An ‘External’ person will worry about what everyone thinks of them. And so, they often change their minds and moods. They need regular reassurance, they take criticism hard and can appear needy or negative.

IDQ and Towards & Away From

High IDQs have a confidence and self-belief, which tilts their motivation in a Towards direction. So, when confronted by a challenge, they are more likely to seek a solution rather than avoid or deny the issue.

Low IDQs are typically “Away From”. They don’t have confidence in their SQAs when faced with a challenge or a problem. And their low self-esteem can mean that even everyday issues can look risky to them.

And so, Low IDQs tend to avoid, deny or move “Away From” things that feel uncomfortable for them. This means they can spend their whole lives avoiding issues while achieving very little.

Health, Happiness and Success

Low IDQ and the Catabolic State

As you can see from this diagram, a Low IDQ outlook leads to Catabolic State (CS). CS has many unwelcome effects on a person’s health, happiness, and success. Such as:

Health: Stress has been linked to many health problems, such as heart disease, diabetes, and a poor immune system. It can also lead to tiredness, poor sleep and mental health problems.
Happiness: It can lead to anxiety, sorrow, and burnout. This will reduce a person’s overall sense of joy and well-being.
Success: Stress and downbeat emotions can also affect a person’s ability to perform at their best by reducing their ability to learn, reason, and solve problems. It lowers motivation, confidence and resilience.

When you’re in a CS, the body releases more cortisol and adrenaline. These chemicals are meant to be a short, sharp boost during the Fight, Flight or Freeze response.

But if you are stressed for a while, they remain in the body longer than intended. The immune system gets tied up trying to clear them out, so it’s not defending you so well from sickness.

If you’re finding it hard to shake off an infection, it can be a sign that your immune system is busy this way. On top of that, when these chemicals stick around, they speed up the ageing process.

High IDQ and the Anabolic State

The High IDQ score is on the left-hand side of the box, and it is linked with the Anabolic State (AS). This is a healthy, happy and successful state to be in, and a big predictor of longevity.

Health: High IDQs can see the positive in most situations, which helps them keep a healthy mind and attitude. This state of mind is one in which healing and happiness chemicals, like Growth Hormone and Serotonin, are produced. Their immune system works well, protecting them from illness.
Happiness: Upbeat emotions, such as joy, gratitude, and contentment, can boost well-being and promote healthy relationships.
Success: High IDQs are more likely to remain confident and resolve problems. When faced with adversity, they may seek creative answers and, if needed, help from their friends and contacts. High IDQs find an ordeal less stressful than Low IDQs. This means they learn from their mistakes, problems and accidents and move on. And so, High IDQs can bounce back from disappointment more easily.

The lower half of the box shows our state of mind when relaxed. Again, the right-hand side is not a happy or healthy place to be.

This is why research suggests that having a High IDQ outlook is better for coping with problems and being resilient. High IDQs are more likely to be happier, healthier and more successful than Low IDQs.

Your state follows your interpretation.
Review & Preview trains that interpretation.
It is the daily training gym for your IDQ.

Inspiring Confidence, Belief and Mental Strength

Explanatory Style

In Chapter 4, we talked about the Elevate Formula (EF). We saw how it shapes your language in everyday speech. To recap, if you have a High IDQ, you will:

See a challenge as Other, Narrow and Fleeting.
Think of your SQAs as Self, Broad and Lasting.
Believe your SQAs give you the capability to deal with the challenge.

The outlook of a Low IDQ is the mirror image of these three positions.

Because we talk instinctively when dealing with everyday events, our natural form of Elevate Formula streams out in our every spoken word, judgment and reaction. This is called our Explanatory Style (ES).

Our Explanatory Style has a huge effect on the people around us. With it, parents, teachers and carers unwittingly shape a child’s self-esteem. And for coaches and leaders, it dramatically affects their people’s performance, motivation and resilience.

Low IDQ Explanatory Style

A Low IDQ’s Explanatory Style makes a child nervous and uncertain in the face of a challenge. It creates brittle and underperforming teams. This is because they learn that:

Adversity is Self, Broad and Lasting.
Their SQAs are Other, Narrow and Fleeting.

The Low IDQ language structure is downbeat. And so, a Low IDQ will naturally, unthinkingly and routinely teach that adversity is stressful and problems are overwhelming.

High IDQ Explanatory Style

A High IDQ’s Explanatory Style helps a child grow into a healthy, happy and successful adult. It creates individuals and teams that are more confident and resilient.

A High IDQ’s words are naturally uplifting. They teach us that adversity is less stressful because it won’t last, it’s not about us, and we have the SQAs to overcome.

And so, a High IDQ will naturally, unthinkingly and routinely teach confidence, belief and mental strength, tools everyone needs to thrive in a challenging world.

Modelling Explanatory Style

Explanatory Style isn’t just mirrored in your language. It’s reflected in your reactions to everyday problems.

Children model themselves on how they see their parents, carers, and teachers behave. And coaches and leaders define the beliefs and values they want for their brand through their words and actions.

Here are some key Outcomes from modelling. To be brief, I have only given the High IDQ perspective here because I think it’s easy enough to figure out the reverse Low IDQ position.

High IDQs are more patient and calm. So, they are less likely to get frustrated or angry during the challenging moments everyone experiences from time to time.
High IDQ people are generally more supportive and encouraging, which can help their children develop confidence and self-esteem. It deepens Rapport between coaches, leaders and their people.
High IDQs are more likely to adapt to change and be open to new ways. This can be particularly important in parenting. Children grow and develop quickly, and keeping up with their evolving needs and nature is vital for a healthy mind. And in sports and business, research has shown that forward thinking and flexibility seed survival, growth and success.
High IDQ coaches and leaders are calmer under pressure. They engender respect, and even a dressing down can be empowering when couched in Elevate Formula terms.
High IDQ parents, teachers, carers, coaches and leaders naturally use setbacks to build self-belief and resilience because they will phrase the problem as Other, Narrow and Fleeting, while addressing SQAs as Self, Broad and Lasting.

If Explanatory Style shapes confidence, contentment and capability, it deserves daily training.
Review & Preview is where that training happens.
One card a day strengthens how you frame challenge, speak under pressure and lead those around you.

Positives of a Low IDQ

Some readers with a Low IDQ score may counter what I say above and point to many successes in their lives. And indeed, there are some positive results from having a Low IDQ.

So we’ll take a look at this side of the coin now. But I’ll also explain why the successes of a Low IDQ may come at a cost.

To kick us off, here are a few of the reasons why Low IDQs are equipped to succeed:

Lower expectations: Low IDQs are less likely to be surprised if things do not go to plan. This can lead to greater resilience.
Being prepared: Low IDQs are more cautious and prepare for things to go wrong. This can be useful where being ready for the worst-case scenario can help avoid disaster.
Realistic: Low IDQs tend to have a more realistic view of problems and are less likely to overlook likely risks or dangers. This can help them avoid making costly mistakes.

The Value of Low IDQ Caution in High-Risk Situations

In my police career, I found Low IDQs could be very useful. I led many high-risk operations that exposed my officers and the public to danger. Failure in these jobs could be catastrophic.

When I was planning with my team for a tricky operation, the Low IDQs were the ones most focused on all the potential pitfalls. The trouble for them was how they would express their caution. They’d typically say something like:

Oh, you can’t do that boss because…

This caused most people to dismiss them as ‘negative’. But I’d ignore the sentence’s first half, listen for what came next, and take note. And then, I would adapt my plans to cater for the difficulties they’d foreseen.

I was grateful for how their caution balanced my optimism. And that my jobs went well because of the steps I’d built in following their feedback.

Burnout and the Search For Success

I have coached many successful people with a Low IDQ. And it became clear to me that they share a couple of common traits:

They are never satisfied with anything they have achieved.
They feel every slip-up or setback deeply.

Their successes seem to come from a drive to prove themselves. They show huge resolve as they push themselves on, looking for the success that eventually proves they are ‘good enough’.

But their low self-image never lets them feel good about their achievements. The Elevate Formula ensures they see their wins as Other, Narrow and Fleeting.

And any slip-up or setback hurts them deeply because they feel they are a true representation of who they are. In other words, they instinctively frame their failures as Self, Broad and Lasting.

No amount of success changes this, and by the time they come to me for coaching, this constant battle to prove themselves has left them feeling burnt out.

What Would You Choose? High or Low IDQ?

I’ve been that Low IDQ person, continually pushing myself out of my comfort zone and searching for the success that would prove my worth. And nothing I achieved changed my Identity Beliefs, Sacred Flaws and the Edited Reality they created for me.

I worked out how to make a change for myself and move my IDQ score into the High IDQ range. And for over twenty years, I have helped parents, carers, teachers, athletes, coaches and leaders to do the same.

So I know what the difference feels like, and I’ve seen the change in others. After years of working with the 7 Skills and coaching, assessing and advising too many people to count, I’d take High over a Low IDQ any day.

I’d happily swap a little realism for a bit more optimism. I’d recommend aiming for a score anywhere from 15 to 22, preferably to the higher end of that range, and enjoying the happy, healthy and fulfilled life it offers.

This is the job the 7 Skills to impress™ were built to do

What You’ve Just Learned – and Why It Matters

In Unleash Your Potential, you’ve seen how your IDQ, your Identity Quotient, quietly governs your confidence, performance, well-being and relationships.

You’ve learned that:

A High IDQ unlocks clarity, resilience and inner peace, even under pressure.
A Low IDQ can fuel anxiety, self-doubt and burnout, even in success.
Your IDQ not only affects how you experience life, but it also affects how others experience you.

High IDQ parents, teachers, coaches and leaders naturally raise the performance, belief and self-esteem of those around them.

Low IDQ role models can unconsciously limit others, simply by the way they speak, respond, and lead.

Most importantly, you now know that this isn’t fixed. Your IDQ can grow.

And with it, your impact, your influence, and your inner strength.

What’s Your Score: Your IDQ Snapshot is 3 minutes away

Click for your IDQ Snapshot

Understanding IDQ clarifies the pattern. Training it rewires the pattern.
Review & Preview is the daily training gym for that change.
Begin with one Review card, then continue into Part 2 to build the full toolkit.

What’s Coming Next — and Why It Matters

Part 1 has given you clarity.

You now understand how your Edited Reality is constructed.

You can see how early beliefs still shape your reactions under pressure.

You know that Identity rests on the foundations of, Safety, Belonging, Esteem, Capability and Sense of Purpose, and that the strength of each one influences the composure you bring into difficult moments.

But clarity does not change a pattern.

Patterns change through repetition.

That is why two things come next.

First, you measure where you are.

Revisit the IDQ Snapshot.

Note your score. This is your baseline, not a verdict, not a diagnosis, simply a starting point. IDQ can strengthen over time as your explanatory habits shift.

Second, you begin deliberate training.

Review and Preview (R&P) is a short daily practice built around the Elevate Formula. Each day, you examine one moment that stretched you. You identify the instinctive belief that fired beneath your reaction. Then you construct a stronger explanation using the strengths and qualities you actually brought to the situation.

This is not positive thinking. It is structured pattern training.

As repetition accumulates, your subconscious begins to interpret challenge differently. And as those interpretations shift, IDQ strengthens.

Part 2: The 7 Skills to impress™ equips you to operate at your best under pressure — regardless of where your IDQ currently sits.

The Skills give you practical tools to:

Manage your emotional state
Build Rapport that strengthens influence
Use language that lifts confidence and resilience

They allow you to act with clarity and steadiness even while your deeper patterns are still evolving. And as you practise them, they reinforce the very Identity foundations that support long-term change.

You will return to Jacqui’s story, hear exactly what Eddard said and why it worked.

Coming Next:

Continue into Part 2 and begin with Skill 1: Identify Your Outcome.

Part 1: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

Chapter 4. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 1.

Chapter 4b. The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being - Part 2.

Chapter 5. How Identity Secretly Pulls Your Strings

Chapter 6. Unleash Your Potential: Understanding Your Identity Quotient (IDQ)

Identify Your Outcome

Mark Sapsford — Tue, 04 Nov 2025 17:41:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

Outcomes hack the subconscious, sparking a confident and focused drive towards success.

With the 7 Skills and our understanding of the System 1 and System 2 brain, we can use an Outcome as a software patch to hack Identity.

In pressure moments, it’s natural to focus on the problem and what we don’t want to happen. But this creates a negative Stroop Magnet, drawing us towards the difficulty.

Outcomes focus all our attention (System 1 and 2) on what we want to happen, creating a positive Stroop Magnet.

Here’s what we’re going to look at in this chapter:

How Outcomes harness the power of our System 1 brain
Why we are drawn to what we fear the most.
How Outcomes increase resilience and lead to success.
The problem with Negative Commands.
Clarity and Control: Outcomes that work.
How Outcomes keep us from losing our way.

I’d Left It Too Late to Brake
I Was in Trouble

I was 22, riding through France on my 1000 cc motorbike, going too fast. The visor was filthy with insects, and the low sun washed out the road ahead. I saw the bend too late.

Crashing into the kerb felt inevitable. At that speed, the outcome was obvious.

Then I saw them. Three workers at the start of the bend. Backs turned. Bent over the kerb. No barriers. No warning. I had no time to brake.

One thing mattered. I had to miss them.

I knew I could avoid the workers. After that, I had nothing spare. The whole moment lasted seconds. There was no time to think, but I knew one thing with certainty.

The bike would go wherever my eyes went.

I had learned that lesson before. Look at the kerb, and you hit it. This time, I did not look at the danger. I fixed on the only line that could get me through the bend and I held it.

Fear flashed through my thoughts, and terrible images came and went. I let them pass. My eyes were glued to that line.

I shut off the throttle and stayed off the brakes. I leaned the bike hard and moved with it. The footrest scraped. Sparks flew. The tyres skipped once, then gripped again. I did not look away.

My head cleared. My body followed. The bike did exactly what it was told. I came out of the bend and straightened up.

We were all safe.

Further up the road, I stopped and breathed. The workers were staring after me. I rode on, shaken and intact.

Only later did I understand what had happened. Attention pulls behaviour towards it. The mind moves in the direction it is facing. Danger or safety. Failure or success.

Outcomes Under Pressure

The difference was not instinct, but how my instincts were focused.

Under pressure, attention is pulled towards threat. When that happens, instinct narrows our options and moves us towards what we fear. The mind fills with danger, and the body follows.

In that moment, I did not try to suppress instinct. I gave it a different job. I fixed my attention on the Outcome that mattered and let instinct do the rest.

A clear Outcome places attention on what works, keeping System 2 available and thinking flexible under pressure.

It keeps System 1 engaged without shutting down System 2. Judgment stays online. Flexibility remains. Control is preserved.

That moment on the bike, my Outcome was simple.

Get through the bend.
Miss the workers.
Stay upright.

Everything else followed.

When pressure hits, performance is led by where attention is directed.

Outcomes work by shifting attention away from threat and towards what you want to achieve. They prevent System 1 from collapsing into Fight, Flight or Freeze, and they keep System 2 available when it matters most.

To understand why this matters, we need to look at how attention behaves under threat.

Why We Are Drawn to What We Fear

When you need to be at your best, performance depends on where your attention settles.

Under pressure, attention is not neutral. It is pulled. And it is pulled most strongly towards whatever looks like a threat.

That pull happens automatically. It does not wait for reason. System 1 scans for danger and, when it finds it, gives it priority. This is efficient for survival, but costly for modern-world performance.

Whatever dominates your attention becomes your Stroop Magnet. It is what you are drawn towards, even when you are trying to avoid it.

When attention is fixed on problems or dangers, the mind prepares for Fight, Flight or Freeze. Thinking narrows. Flexibility drops away. The ability to choose between options is reduced. Behaviour becomes reactive.

The more pressure you feel, the stronger this pull becomes.

When attention is aimed at what you want to achieve, something different happens. The mind begins to Sift and Sort for ways forward. Even after a setback, it resets and scans again. Possibilities stay visible.

This is not optimism. It is direction.

Outcomes harmonise System 1 and System 2 by giving attention a clear purpose. Reflex and judgement work together. You stay responsive rather than reactive.

The difference is more than effort or willpower; it’s where attention is focused when pressure rises.

Focus on What You Can Control

I had some luck that day. If there had been gravel or oil on the road, I would have crashed. The heat helped. Hot tyres on baking tarmac gave me grip.

None of that was within my control. And that is the point:

Attention on the uncontrollable is wasted effort.

Attention on the controllable is leverage.

Reaching any meaningful goal involves risk and uncertainty. When attention fixes on danger, it drifts towards what cannot be controlled. Thinking tightens. Options disappear. People stop finding a way through.

This is where performance crumbles under pressure.

Those with a Low IDQ are preprogrammed to focus on risk. It feels responsible. It feels alert. In practice, it collapses flexibility and leaves them reacting rather than choosing.

Outcomes counter this by anchoring attention on controllable performance. That keeps System 2 engaged, restores Sifting and Sorting, and stops people getting stuck.

The situation may not change. But the quality of thinking does. And that is what determines what happens next.

Outcomes Make You More Resilient

People who do not set clear Outcomes tend to give up earlier. Problems feel heavier. Setbacks linger. Attention stays with what went wrong.

People who set Outcomes as a habit respond differently.

When something fails, their attention resets more quickly. Instead of replaying the problem, it begins scanning for another way forward. Options remain visible. Choice returns.

This is resilience in practice.

It is not toughness or optimism. It is the speed with which attention recovers and re-engages with what can still be done.

Over time, this changes Identity. Sifting and Sorting adjust. The mind becomes quicker to release dead ends and faster to notice alternatives.

That is why people who set Outcomes consistently cope better under pressure. They are not spared difficulty. They do not stay stuck inside it.

Negative Commands

I mentioned earlier that I put any thought of hitting the kerb out of my mind. Even when I fixed on the line I wanted to take, I wasn’t thinking, “I mustn’t hit the kerb.”

That distinction matters.

Under pressure, when you tell yourself what you must not do, your mind fills with the very image you are trying to avoid. Attention locks onto the danger. Tension rises, movement tightens, and choice narrows.

This is where people sabotage themselves without realising it.

A Negative Command fixes attention on failure. It creates a Stroop Magnet that draws behaviour in the wrong direction. Your mind cannot steer away from an image it is actively holding.

That is why Outcomes are always framed around what you want to happen. Not as wishful thinking, but because attention follows thought, not instructions to avoid them.

Give your mind the goal that leads you forward.

Clarity and Control

Effective Outcomes are short and precise. When you add and, you often hide two or three competing Outcomes in one sentence. Attention splits, focus weakens.

A useful Outcome points attention in a single direction.

It also stays within your control.

You can always control your attitude, your behaviour, and your actions. Most meaningful progress comes from the quality of those three things.

The final result is not always under your control.

Take a job interview. You can prepare well, listen carefully, and present yourself clearly. You cannot control who else applies, what the panel prefers, or what is happening behind the scenes.

When an Outcome is set around results you cannot control, pressure increases and performance drops. Attention drifts away from how you are performing and onto what might go wrong.

When an Outcome is set around controllable performance, attention stays where it can be used. Thinking remains flexible. You stay present in the task itself.

Losing Our Way

A Practical Example

One of my clients was a Premier League and international goalkeeper. One season, he played behind a shaky defence and conceded goals through no fault of his own. Setting Outcomes like “keep a clean sheet” only increased pressure.

So we changed the focus.

Instead of results, we set Outcomes around performance:

“I’m going to make the saves that keep us in the game.”
“I’m going to set the standard for my team.”
“I’m going to dominate the six-yard box.”

Nothing else changed. But his attention did.

That season, despite the team’s defensive problems, he won every major Goalkeeper of the Season award.

The difference was not motivation or confidence. It was clarity about what he could control and where his attention belonged.

Later that year, BFG hit another block. His record for saving penalties was dismal. Before each game, he and his coach analysed every penalty taker, predicting which side they’d shoot at, and pre-deciding where he’d dive. It wasn’t working.

When I asked if he wanted to improve this area, he shrugged:

“No, it’s fine. I don’t get criticised.”

That response surprised me. I said,

“So your Outcome is not to be criticised? I thought it might be to make saves.”

He realised instantly what had happened: he’d drifted into activity, not purpose. Seeing that changed everything.

This is the power of Outcomes: they return attention to our purpose when routine, pressure, or fear cause drift.

This pattern shows up everywhere, from boardrooms to classrooms and the sports pitch.

It’s why one question matters more than most: “Why are we doing this? What’s our purpose? What’s our Outcome?”

Let’s Pull it All together

When pressure rises, performance depends on where attention is directed. Attention is never neutral. It leads behaviour.

When attention fixes on a threat, thinking narrows, and people react instead of choosing.

Outcomes anchor attention on purpose and performance, keeping System 2 available when it matters most. Flexibility remains. A way forward can still be found.

Clear Outcomes also make us easier to trust. When pressure rises, people look for someone whose attention stays on purpose rather than panic. A person who knows what they are trying to achieve becomes easier to follow.

That is why people who set Outcomes as a habit cope better in difficult moments. Life may be just as hard, but they can focus and think clearly when it matters most.

What follows are the rules that make Outcomes work in practice.

Rules for Setting an Outcome

Express it positively, around what you want to happen.
Keep it within your control.
Be ambitious.
Avoid Negative Commands.
Be precise and concise.

Next Chapter - Manage Your State

You’ve learned how to focus your mind on what you want, but even the clearest Outcome can disappear when emotion takes over. Manage Your State shows you how to stop that from happening.

In this next chapter, you’ll start to understand the deeper dynamic between Jacqui and Eddard, why he stayed calm and empowered while she felt trapped and limited.

Turn the page to discover how mastering your state lets you stay clear, confident, and in control; even when others lose theirs.

Manage Your State Is Next

Part 2: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

Manage Your State

Mark Sapsford — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 21:11:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

Here we focus on performance under pressure. It teaches simple drills to keep you calm, confident, and effective when pressure hits.

The routines described here use your Outcome to prevent System 1 from taking over and shutting down System 2. When that happens, all your talents stay available, you stay yourself, no matter the stress you face.

Manage Your State places your Outcome at the centre of attention. From there, your goals guide System 1’s natural Sifting and Sorting, shaping an Edited Reality that supports performance rather than undermining it.

You’ll learn two simple drills that work together:

7-11 Breathing
Realisation

Fight, Flight and Freeze Hits Me

I was with my team at a prestigious business conference. We were the headline speakers, and I’d organised the presentation as a thank-you to my colleagues before leaving the Police Service.

Some of our work had gained national recognition, and I wanted the team to enjoy that moment.

We were seated at the front, relaxed, being introduced. One of my team, my old friend Brisey, had written a comedy script around which we’d built the talk. It was well-crafted and genuinely funny. We were looking forward to it.

Then, without warning, nerves hit.

In the audience sat a man whose clothes, hairstyle, and build reminded me of my stepfather. During my childhood, my stepfather subjected me to regular beatings. Years later, I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result.

I believed I’d dealt with it. I hadn’t. Fight, Flight, or Freeze kicked in.

My presentation style is informal. I like to interact, to ad-lib. The talk had been designed that way. But I knew that if I didn’t settle myself quickly, I’d freeze. I’d stumble, lose my words, and the whole structure would collapse.

The introductions were ending. I had seconds to steady myself.

Emotions Intensify in Adversity

As much as we like to believe we control our reactions, Identity is in charge. Most of the time, we have little influence over the emotions it creates.

In every waking moment, we take in vast amounts of information. Sounds, faces, expressions, temperature, memories, thoughts, colours. Almost all of it passes beneath awareness.

System 1 and Identity Sift and Sort this stream continuously, shaping an Edited Reality that reflects who we believe ourselves to be and what we believe the world is like.

That Edited Reality sets our emotional state.

From moment to moment, we might feel calm, irritation, fear, joy, or tension. Under pressure, those emotions intensify.

That is what happened to me at the front of that room.

My Identity detected a familiar pattern and reached back into memory. Old experiences of beatings and humiliation surfaced without warning. The signal was clear enough for System 1.

Danger. Fight, Flight, or Freeze engaged.

Even a mild version of this response targets Edited Reality toward threat. Attention narrows. Fear becomes magnetic. Looking away takes effort.

You’ve seen this before. The Stroop Magnet holds attention in place and makes flexible thinking harder. System 2 slips offline.

At that point, effort alone will not help.

The question is not how to overpower the response, but how to redirect it. How to bring Outcome and Identity back into alignment so behaviour and performance recover naturally.

The answer lies in a simple, natural process that interrupts Fight, Flight, and Freeze at its source.

And Breathe

When FFF begins, your heartbeat changes, not just faster but erratic. When your pulse is steady, it’s described as being in a state of Cardiac Coherence.

The precise signal for System 1 to shut down the thinking brain is when your heart rhythm turns from coherent to chaotic.

As soon as the interval between heartbeats becomes uneven, System 1 takes over and shuts down System 2. If you can keep your heart rhythm steady, you keep System 2 online. You are able to reason and solve problems even under pressure.

The secret is to breathe through your diaphragm.

Humans breathe either through the chest or through the diaphragm. When we use the diaphragm, the stomach moves in and out. Under pressure, our instinct is to breathe short, irregular chest breaths.

Chest breathing allows an uneven, chaotic heartbeat, the exact signal that tells System 1 to override rational control.

If we can continue breathing through the diaphragm during stressful moments, we maintain Cardiac Coherence and our composure.

Together with Realisation, this is the key to composure under pressure. Resist the urge to breathe through your chest. Breathe through your diaphragm and keep your thinking brain switched on.

When stressed, breathing automatically shifts upward, so it takes practice to counter it. Practise when you’re calm so it becomes automatic later. Try this: 7-11 Breathing.

7-11 Breathing

Sit upright in a chair. Later, with practice, you’ll manage this standing or even walking, but sitting comfortably is the best start.

Place one hand just under your ribs at the top of your stomach, the other on your upper chest. Breathe normally and notice which hand moves with each breath.

Next, adjust your breathing until only the lower hand rises and falls. That tells you the diaphragm is doing the work. It may feel unfamiliar at first. You might need to exaggerate the movement slightly. Once comfortable, relax your hands.

Now pay attention to depth, rhythm, and pace. Make the out-breath longer than the in-breath: breathe in for seven seconds, then breathe out gently for eleven.

7-11 Breathing works because biology says it must. Breathing in this rhythm keeps your heartbeat coherent or brings it back to coherence after chaos. It may take a minute or two, but the body always responds, whatever your mind is thinking.

A High IDQ Upgrade

7-11 Breathing alone would have helped me at that presentation. It would have let me beat the stress response and perform despite it.

But I wanted more. I wanted to be at my best, so I used another method that gave me confidence and belief: Realisation.

My Identity had triggered FFF in response to echoes from childhood. Back then, standing out often meant being hit. I learned to stay in the background.

At the conference, I was about to stand out again. My subconscious saw a man who resembled my stepfather, connected the two cues, and drew the wrong conclusion. System 1 decided I needed to hide.

It was reacting to a danger that no longer existed. My Identity was running outdated software, and FFF was the last thing I needed.

I needed a mental update, a software patch that aligned Identity with the present. That update was my Outcome, installed through Realisation.

Realisation

Realisation fuses your Outcome with your Identity. Together, they shape your Edited Reality so it works for you even under stress. Your attention turns toward possibilities rather than obstacles. Stress falls, confidence rises.

It’s effortless, which is why it works when pressure peaks. You can do it anywhere, any time.

Ask yourself: What will success be like? Then wrap your senses around the answer.

What will I see?
What will I hear?
What will I feel?
What will I think?
(Include taste and smell if they’re relevant.)

Realisation works because it refocuses System 1. In your mind’s eye, you move out of the present into the future. The problem is now behind you. You’re teaching System 1 that the challenge is Fleeting.

The more vividly you picture this future, the more completely System 1 accepts it. Fill the image with colours, sights, feelings, sounds, scents, thoughts, everything that belongs to your success.

When you combine this with 7-11 Breathing, your mind is in the ideal state to absorb these messages. It’s like self-hypnosis.

Composure Returns

At the conference, I sat there, 7-11 Breathing. Nobody noticed. While I breathed, I focused on what I wanted to achieve:

To be calm and confident
To let my thoughts flow freely

I pictured the talk unfolding, the audience laughing, clapping, and shaking hands afterwards.

That was enough.

As the introductions ended, I turned slightly and looked at the audience, still breathing in rhythm. I looked from face to face and imagined them smiling and nodding, applauding at the end.

Then we were on.

The breathing and Realisation released the dam holding back my potential. My heartbeat steadied, my thinking brain switched back on, and composure returned, along with gratitude and excitement to be there.

Adrenaline was still present, but now it wasn’t blocking me. I welcomed it. I breathed it in and felt it fuel my awareness.

My mind was free.

The script and ad-libs flowed. We got a standing ovation, and the organiser said it was the best presentation in twenty-one years of the conference.

That recognition was for the whole team, of course, the content was strong, and my colleagues were excellent.

But in that moment of pressure, I’d turned myself from a liability into an asset. On my feet, in seconds, I overcame FFF, took charge of System 1, and refocused it on perfect performance. It obliged.

Putting It All Together

There are three simple steps to perform at your peak in adversity:

Identify Your Outcome
Manage Your State 1 - 7-11 Breathing
Manage Your State 2 - Realisation

These link Outcome and Identity so that even under pressure, your Identity scans, Sifts, and Sorts to create a High IDQ Edited Reality that supports performance.

If you hit a wall, your System 1 resets and searches for new routes to success.

Use the Adrenaline

You’ll still feel the adrenaline that comes with challenge, but now it no longer triggers FFF; you can use it.

I teach my elite athletes to welcome adrenaline as fuel. With every inward breath, feel it circulate through your body. It’s there to make you sharper, faster, and stronger.

What’s Next

So far, 7 Skills to impress™ has been about building calm, confidence, and composure under pressure.

Now it’s time to influence and inspire.

You’ve learned how to direct your mind toward what you want through Identify Your Outcome, and how to remain steady when pressure hits through Manage Your State. Together, that’s referred to as IMP.

When Outcome is clear, Systems 1 and 2 work together. Your intuitive mind stops chasing fear, and your rational mind stays switched on.

That harmony creates clarity, composure, and presence, qualities people instinctively trust.

Those two skills are the foundation of influence, but influence only exists in a relationship.

The next step is to take that inner balance outward: to connect, listen, and inspire.

Practice Rapport is next

Part 2: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

Practise Rapport

Mark Sapsford — Sun, 02 Nov 2025 17:22:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

With the “Practise Rapport” tools, you will strengthen your ability to inspire and influence ethically.

Rapport creates a climate of trust and understanding. It helps people feel safe with you, open with you, and more willing to engage. When Rapport is present, conversations flow more easily, and resistance softens.

You can build Rapport with anyone. That includes people who disagree with you, people who feel defensive, and openly resistant people. Once you understand how it works, the process becomes simpler than most expect.

In this chapter, you’ll explore how Rapport is built in practice, why our brains respond so strongly to being listened to, and how Rapport quietly amplifies influence. You’ll also see how it works when emotions are high, and conversations feel difficult.

A Spanner In The Works

John, a company director and successful salesman, asked if I would model his sales approach and train it to his team. I liked the idea, so I joined him for a few meetings.

Our first meeting should have been straightforward. John had already agreed the deal in principle with the CEO. We were meeting a director, Simon, to go through the details.

As soon as we sat down, things began to unravel.

The CEO had instructed Simon to bring in an external company. Simon resented it. He felt his judgment had been overruled and his autonomy dismissed. So he resisted. Within ten minutes, he had deflected every suggestion.

“We already do that.”
“Yes, but that’s not really an issue for us.”

John glanced at me, uneasy.

I could see Simon’s pride in his work, his sense of ownership, and his discomfort at being told what to do. So I said:

“It’s clear, Simon, you’re doing a lot of exciting things here. Could we hear more about them?”

That single invitation changed everything.

Simon began talking about his projects what he had built. Where he felt pressure. What mattered to him. John and I listened.

As Simon spoke, his posture softened. His tone shifted. The resistance eased. When John later re-entered the conversation, he did so respectfully, shaping his suggestions around what Simon had already shared.

Simon accepted them. He even said this would be the first of many deals.

Listening opened the door. Influence followed.

A Quick Note: Influence vs Manipulation

There is an ethical question to consider with Rapport. Influence and manipulation are not the same thing.

The Rapport I built with Simon lowered his resistance and made him receptive to John’s services because we genuinely listened and understood where he was coming from.

We learned what Simon had already achieved and where he felt pressure. That allowed John to offer support that actually met Simon’s needs.

If John had used Simon’s openness to push something unnecessary, it would have backfired. Simon would have recognised it quickly. The relationship would have collapsed, and John’s reputation would have suffered.

Sometimes, authentic Rapport reveals that what you’re offering is not the right fit. When that happens, it’s better to leave it for another day.

You preserve trust. And trust opens future doors.

That is the power of ethical influence.

Rapport and the Science Behind the Magic

Simon, like most of us, wanted to feel included and respected. Being instructed without discussion made him feel overlooked. What the CEO saw as efficiency, Simon experienced as a lack of recognition.

This is where Rapport does its work.

Simply listening meets core human needs. It helps people feel safe, valued, and part of something. Defensiveness lowers, trust forms.

Listening has always been a signal of Esteem. When someone gives us their full attention, it tells us our words matter. We feel respected. We feel we belong.

That instinct runs deep. In early human groups, survival depended on cooperation. Those with skills that protected the group were listened to. Attention meant value. Value meant safety.

The same mechanisms operate today.

Modern neuroscience confirms this. When people hear their own ideas reflected back, reward centres in the brain activate. Their perspective feels recognised. They feel capable and worthy.

Being listened to also increases oxytocin, a hormone associated with trust and connection. Oxytocin supports empathy, cooperation, and calm engagement. This is why Rapport feels good for the other person. A fundamental need is being met.

That is the truth of Rapport. It is not a trick or a technique. It is a human connection that allows people to feel understood and open.

Do you remember the question I asked Simon?

“It’s clear, Simon, you’re doing a lot of exciting things here. Could we hear more about them?”

That invitation mattered because it gave him space to speak about what mattered to him. From that point on, my task was simple. Listen fully and ask questions that helped me see the world as he saw it.

I narrowed my attention to one question:

“What do I need to understand so I can see this through Simon’s eyes?”

Everything followed from that.

Within minutes, his posture softened. His tone eased. He began speaking freely. I reflected key phrases and asked clarifying questions. Nothing more.

In under ten minutes, the resistance had gone. When John re-entered the conversation, Simon was open and receptive. John shaped his suggestions around what Simon had shared.

And Simon accepted them.

Authentic listening created the opening. Ethical influence completed it.

No Judgement, No Sharing

Just Listening

I didn’t judge Simon’s complaints or share my own opinions, even though I had relevant experience. Building Rapport is often misunderstood as having a good conversation. It isn’t.

When you share your own examples, even with good intent, attention shifts back to you. Rapport weakens because you are telling, not listening.

That urge is natural. We all want to be heard. But when Rapport is the goal, your job is to create space, not fill it.

To help myself do that, I use 7–11 breathing. It keeps me calm and focused, and helps me suppress the impulse to speak when silence would serve better.

My meeting with John showed how simple listening breaks down resistance and builds the trust and connection that enhance influence.

Rapport with Angry or Resistant People

Eddard saw Rapport as a powerful tool for negotiating with hostile, unreasonable people. He found that when people felt heard and understood, they were more likely to put down weapons, step off ledges, or release hostages.

I’ve seen the same pattern many times. Most of those stories are too intense for this Book, so here’s a more everyday example.

Trying to Help Can Damage Rapport

A UK call centre asked me to help staff deal with criticism and abuse from clients. They handled home delivery of sensitive medical products.

When clients made mistakes on the online system, deliveries went wrong. Items were left on doorsteps, exposed to neighbours, or spoiled in the rain. Some never arrived at all.

The staff cared deeply. That was part of the problem. Under pressure, they explained, justified, and apologised. The more they explained, the angrier some clients became.

We trained Rapport extensively, but when calls escalated, old habits returned. So I went to the call centre to see it first-hand.

Almost immediately, a member of staff waved me over. An incoming call from Mrs Oakley, one of their most infamous complainers, was ringing through. The room went quiet. The phone was pushed into my hand.

I said hello and received a torrent of anger.

I set myself Outcomes. Be patient. Listen. Reflect. Stay calm.

Her situation was genuinely difficult. She had run out of incontinence pads. Her delivery was late. When it finally arrived, it had been left on the doorstep in the rain. Neighbours had seen it. Everything was ruined.

I let her talk. You cannot influence angry people until they have emptied their emotional cup. I stayed quiet, using small sounds to show I was listening. One word kept returning. “Desperate.”

When there was a brief pause, I said:

“I hear you, Mrs Oakley. It sounds like a desperate situation.”

The shift was immediate.

She was still upset, but now she was talking to me, not at me. The problem stopped being ‘you people’ and became ‘them’. Her tone softened. The anger began to drain.

For several minutes, she spoke. I did not explain, justify, or apologise. I listened and reflected her words. Gradually, her rhythm slowed. Her breathing settled. Her voice became calm.

Only then, once Rapport was established, did I introduce a solution.

“My colleague has been looking into your deliveries. She has an idea that might help. Would you like me to put her on?”

She agreed straight away.

This was a dramatic change from the usual ten-minute tirade that ended with the phone being slammed down.

Rapport did the work. Explanation did not.

Summary

For every meeting, set Rapport as one of your Outcomes. Use Realisation and 7–11 breathing to focus System 1.

Start by getting your client talking about something they care about.
Listen deeply and ask clarifying questions.
Ask yourself: “What do I need to know so I can understand the world through their eyes?”
Reflect back their key phrases.
Whenever possible, repeat their exact words as a question.
Avoid judgment or giving your own examples.
Reflect: don’t rephrase.
Stay authentic.
With angry people, don’t explain or justify anything. Let them offload, then begin at point 3.

What’s Next?

Leadership Rapport is different.

Whatever your style, leadership implies authority and guidance. Anyone can lead when things are easy. Under pressure, everything changes. Pressure drives people to the bottom of the 7 Skills Identity Model. They crave Safety, Belonging and Esteem.

At such times, they accept more direction and may lose faith in overly consultative approaches.

In the next chapter, we explore Rapport in two forms:

Everyday Leadership Rapport: The Power of Recognition and Respect
High-pressure leadership Rapport: Uniting a Frightened Team and Defeating Overwhelming Odds

Both reveal how Rapport becomes even more crucial when the stakes are high.

Leadership Rapport is next.

Part 2: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995).

The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.

Seminal paper establishing belonging as a core human drive—the motivational root of Rapport and social harmony.

Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008).

Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social connection. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

Explores the biological and emotional cost of disconnection, framing Rapport as a health-protective behaviour.

Decety, J., & Jackson, P. L. (2004).

The functional architecture of human empathy. Behavioral and Cognitive Neuroscience Reviews, 3(2), 71–100.

Maps the neural systems that allow us to feel and understand others’ emotions - key to authentic Rapport.

Eisenberg, N., & Lennon, R. (1983).

Sex differences in empathy and related capacities. Psychological Bulletin, 94(1), 100–131.

Reviews evidence that empathy expression varies by gender, illuminating subtle rapport dynamics.

Harlow, H. F. (1958).

The nature of love. American Psychologist, 13(12), 673–685.

Classic study demonstrating that emotional connection - not utility - is fundamental to trust and bonding.

Kosfeld, M., Heinrichs, M., Zak, P. J., Fischbacher, U., & Fehr, E. (2005).

Oxytocin increases trust in humans. Nature, 435(7042), 673–676.

Ground-breaking experiment showing how the hormone oxytocin chemically enhances interpersonal trust.

Guastella, A. J., Mitchell, P. B., & Dadds, M. R. (2010).

Oxytocin enhances gaze to the eye region of human faces. Biological Psychiatry, 67(1), 6–9.

Demonstrates that oxytocin heightens attention to social cues—an essential component of Rapport.

Ditzen, B., Schaer, M., Gabriel, B., Bodenmann, G., Ehlert, U., & Heinrichs, M. (2009).

Intranasal oxytocin increases positive communication and reduces cortisol levels during couple conflict. Biological Psychiatry, 65(9), 728–731.

Reveals oxytocin’s power to lower stress and improve communication during emotionally charged dialogue.

Lieberman, M. D. (2007).

Social cognitive neuroscience: A review of core processes. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 259–289.

Synthesises research on how the brain constructs understanding of others—bridging neuroscience and Rapport.

Faye, S. (Host). (2020). Neuroscience of connection [Audio podcast episode]. Stefanie Faye Podcast, Series 1 Ep 4. Available at https://stefaniefaye.com

A concise explanation of the brain’s social circuitry and practical tools for cultivating connection.

Weinstein, B., & Heying, H. (2021).

A hunter-gatherer’s guide to the 21st century: Evolution and the challenges of modern life. New York: Portfolio / Penguin.

Explores how ancient social instincts clash with modern isolation—contextualising why Rapport takes conscious effort today.

Syed, M. (2019).

Rebel ideas: The power of diverse thinking. London: John Murray.

Argues that genuine collaboration and psychological safety - built through Rapport - unlocks group intelligence.

Leadership Rapport

Mark Sapsford — Sat, 01 Nov 2025 19:52:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

Leadership Rapport Is Different

Good leaders make a habit of building Rapport. But they have fewer chances to use the listening and reflective style I recommended in the previous chapter. In fact, that style can be a mistake when people are looking for strong leadership.

I have known sports coaches and business leaders lose their people’s respect when results are poor, and they are too tolerant of mistakes and a lack of effort. Staff and teammates depend on those results and are looking for improvement via accountability.

After a bad result, dishing out a rollicking might be just the ticket. But there are good and bad ways of doing this. And if a coach or leader is ‘digging out’ their people more than 20% of the time, there’s something else badly wrong.

In my experience, if a leader is corrective or critical more than 20% of the time, something else is badly wrong. Leadership Rapport should be positive and engaging the other 80%. I’m going to use two anecdotes to highlight successful approaches;

The Power of Recognition and Respect:
Rapport to unite a frightened team and defeat overwhelming odds.

Rapport and the Power of Respect

This is a short story about my friend and colleague, Sandy. He and I joined the Police at about the same time. Sandy was intelligent, fun and had a great sense of humour. He was hard-working, courageous and honest. But he was an average police officer.

He once took over a highly motivated street crime team. They put all their energies, experience and commitment into tackling robbery and car crime.

Whereas his predecessor swept away paperwork and turned them into the most successful thief-takers in the division, Sandy placed a high value on admin and reports, turning them into pen pushers.

In the lower ranks, Sandy was liked but not respected.

What he had was something that doesn’t appear on any competency framework. Kaufman’s list of what great leaders actually are, trustworthy, principled, courageous, loyal, kind, understanding, forgiving, unselfish, says nothing about being especially clever or technically gifted. Almost everything on it is about how you treat people. Sandy had most of it by instinct.

And he had one quality that set him apart above all others. He made everyone he met feel valued.

Sandy was popular, reliable…

… and his teams never produced any controversy. His career progressed well. And once he’d reached middle management positions, his progress accelerated.

At this point, typically, leaders are more remote, particularly in a uniformed organisation like the Police. But Sandy was never distant. He put himself about and made sure his officers met him regularly.

Sandy always knew something about his people, names, the cases they were working on, family, interests, etc.

I saw it many times. He'd stop in a corridor or catch someone at the end of a briefing, lean in slightly, and ask about a case they'd mentioned to him weeks earlier. He remembered the details. He'd use their name.

Two minutes later, the officer walked away standing a little taller. It cost Sandy nothing, and it was absolutely genuine. Relaxed and with a ready smile, he could talk to them as individuals, directly linking to the Identity Model and their needs for Belonging and Esteem.

As we know, everyone has this ancient need to be noticed and heard. And that need is fulfilled even more so when a leader meets it.

Listening vs Telling

Notably, in these conversations, Sandy did more listening than ‘telling’. He made everyone he met feel like an essential member of his team. He was genuine; his authenticity shone through.

He always ‘Managed his State’. He could deal with any situation with the same composure. He never shirked a hard decision for fear of being unpopular.

But when tackling mistakes and underperformance, he showed that he still valued and respected the people concerned.

The officers Sandy led understood his motivations and respected his honesty and consistency. His people grew to love him and would jump through hoops for him.

An average Police Officer had turned into an extraordinary leader. And his people were doing outstanding work. He was eventually selected for the highest positions in the service.

Uniting a Frightened Team and Defeating Overwhelming Odds

On a cold, dark winter evening, I was working, tackling crowd trouble after a football match (soccer). I heard a call for backup come over the radio.

It was from a team of my officers working in a different part of town.

I jumped into a police van, empty but for the driver, and told him to get me to the scene pronto.

As we arrived, we turned a corner, and our headlamps picked out a line of seven police officers. They were in a ragged cordon, taking small steps backwards.

Facing them were about 250 football hooligans. Reflected in our lights, the thugs’ faces were gleeful and taunting as they saw the police line facing them, nervously backing off.

The thugs were from the away team…

They had outnumbered the local hooligans who’d run off and hidden in a pub.

The ‘away’ thugs wanted to get into the pub, smash it up and anyone who was hiding in there.

The officers were vastly outnumbered and lacking the confidence needed to stand firm. I knew if I didn’t get a grip, my officers were seconds away from being overwhelmed.

Sometimes Rapport Means Taking Charge

I had been in situations like this before, and I knew how a small group can stand against a much larger one.

The smaller unit must be unified, thinking and acting as one, working towards a common purpose. That unity creates strength.

The larger group’s mentality must be broken down. Two hundred and fifty minds acting as one would be unstoppable. Two hundred and fifty individuals can each feel isolated, vulnerable and uncertain.

So my Outcomes were simple:

To unify my team.
To fracture the thugs’ group Identity.
To disperse the thugs.

The third mattered. If we caught any of them, they would have had no choice but to fight, and their numbers would have overwhelmed us.

Their momentum was building. I stepped out of the van, ran to the front of my officers, and placed myself between them and the mob.

We’re the f***ing Police: we don’t go backwards! Follow me!”

I turned and started walking towards the mob.

You might be wondering how that was Rapportful.

At that moment, their physical safety mattered, but their Identity mattered more. If they buckled and ran, they would survive the night but lose Belonging and Esteem in the eyes of each other and the community they served. They knew that instinctively.

They had an immediate need to feel safe.

Listening, empathy, or reassurance would have missed the point. What they needed was firm leadership that secured their Identity as courageous people who protect their community.

By stepping forward with certainty, I gave them that Identity: a team that does not go backwards under pressure. I appeared confident, and that confidence was contagious. I aligned their thinking towards a shared Outcome and shifted their instincts from Away From danger to Towards purposeful action.

That is why it was Rapportful. And that is why they followed me.

Charge!

Adrenaline coursed through me. I took slow 7‑11 breaths to stay in control of my Identity, my State and my System 2 brain. Instead of fighting the rush, I let it sharpen me.

When I shouted:

“We’re the f***ing Police  -  we don’t go backwards! Follow me!”

The certainty in my voice mattered; if I had sounded unsure, my officers might have hesitated.

We carried expandable steel batons that snapped from six inches (15 cm) to a foot and a half (50 cm) with a flick of the wrist. The metallic crack they made when opening was attention grabbing!

Facing the thugs, I signalled for my officers to collapse the batons and began to walk towards the mob, beckoning my team forward.

A roar rose from the hooligans.

They stood there, shouting gleefully, hands beckoning, howls of ‘come on’, as if welcoming a battle.

There was so much noise I wondered if my officers would follow me. But I couldn’t turn around to check. That would have been a sign of weakness.

Facing the hooligans and with my back to my colleagues, I raised my hand, and we racked open our batons as one to present a unified, determined force. The simultaneous crack of steel reverberated in the alley, and as we advanced in step, the hooligans’ bravado faltered.

All this had an effect. For the first time, I saw a flicker of doubt in the faces of the hooligans. At that moment, just for a second, they felt vulnerable as they began to think as individuals.

I had to act before they regrouped.

At their front was an enormous, thick, set bloke. He was obviously the leader. I pointed at him, explained in fluent Anglo-Saxon that I was going to wrap my baton around his neck, and I ran at him.

Over the years, I had perfected a method for running for moments like these. It involves energetic pumping of the knees and arms that looks rapid but generates very little speed.

The last thing I wanted to do was outpace my colleagues or catch up with the mob. And anyway, I had no idea if my officers were following me. I knew I’d be able to tell by the looks on the hooligans’ faces.

You can imagine how happy they’d look if I were running at them on my own.

It took only a second to get my feedback. I could see the doubt in the hooligan’s eyes harden into disbelief, then fear. The mob’s group identity shattered.

They fell totally silent, and for the first time, I heard my team behind me roaring.

I can’t tell you how good that felt! Everyone could hear them, too; the mob splintered, turned and ran.

As their footsteps receded and the alley fell quiet, I turned to face my officers. I saw that my team were elated. In a moment, they’d gone from fear of failure and humiliation to savouring an against‑the‑odds success.

Adrenaline still pulsed through me, but I met each of their eyes and saw relief turning into pride. This was my moment to use the Elevate Formula from Skill 5 of the 7 ‘Skills of impress™: I reinforced their Identity and lasting qualities by telling them:

That’s who you are, that’s what we do. We don’t go backwards. We show courage, we work together, and we protect our communities.

I allowed myself a private sigh of relief

I racked my baton and placed it back in its holster. I tucked my hands in behind my stab vest, so my officers didn’t see them trembling.

I was practised at masking my fear in these situations; I knew full well that I’d been one quiver of the voice or one glance backwards away from running alone into the mob.

Yet the power of Identity, Outcomes, Managing my State and building Rapport once again burst through my personal limitations.

Summary:  Balancing Rapport and Command

Good leaders build Rapport with their teams. And yet, there are times when a direct and assertive style is essential.

If leaders gloss over mistakes or accept poor effort, they risk losing respect. The two police stories in this chapter illustrate the balance:

Sandy’s story highlighted the warmth of connection and respect in good times.
The hooligan encounter showed how a command style, used at the right moment, can unify a team and protect its Identity.

In adversity, leaders must manage their own state and provide clear, confident direction. Leading with certainty inspires confidence and unity.

A unified team, bound by shared Identity, can be more powerful than a larger group of individuals. Building Rapport and demonstrating strong leadership should be balanced according to the situation and the team’s needs.

Next: Skill 4: Reveal Persuasion Pathways

You’ve seen what Rapport looks like under pressure.

In Sandy’s story, Rapport built Belonging and Esteem over time.

In the alleyway, Rapport was expressed through certainty, direction, and decisive action that protected Identity in the moment.

But beneath both situations was something else at work.

In the next chapter, we go underneath Rapport to reveal the subconscious routes that shape behaviour before people even realise they’ve chosen to act.

Skill 4: Reveal Persuasion Pathways shows how Outcomes, language, and Identity cues quietly steer decisions, whether you are leading a team, coaching performance, or influencing change.

That’s where we go next.

Reveal Persuasion Pathways is Next

Part 2: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

Reveal Persuasion Pathways

Mark Sapsford — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 16:57:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

When you use the tools in this chapter, you’ll feel as if you can read minds: hearing the hidden cues in language that reveal how others think and how to influence them.

In Part 1, we learned how we constantly Sift, Sort, and edit the information streaming through our senses. System 1 focuses on anything that fits our Identity, data that reinforces who we believe we are.

This data forms the basis of our Edited Reality (ER). Information that aligns with our Identity pushes itself to the front, and can even overwrite what doesn’t.

If we can channel our messages through these ER “fast lanes,” our ability to influence multiplies.

Everyone’s speech is peppered with clues - subtle hints that show how to open these fast lanes, or what I call Persuasion Pathways (PPs). Anyone who knows how to listen can spot them.

The Five Persuasion Pathways

In this chapter, we’ll explore:

Sensory Language
Towards or Away From Safety Impulse
Sameness or Difference Bias
Internal or External Scan
The Primal Motivator

We’ll learn:

How to detect Persuasion Pathways in everyday language
How to use them to persuade, motivate, and inspire

Back to John and Training His Sales Team

Before we break down each Persuasion Pathway, it’s worth returning briefly to John and his meeting with Simon.

After that meeting, John asked me to train his sales team. As you’d expect, we worked through Rapport and the IMP foundations first: Identify Your Outcome, Manage Your State, and Practice Rapport.

We then introduced Persuasion Pathways, completing Skills 1–4 of the 7 Skills to impress™.

Nine months later, John and I met to discuss a further round of workshops. He told me his team had increased sales by 37.6% year-on-year. He was delighted with both the results and the feedback.

As John relayed what his team had said, one theme stood out.

They felt better prepared for meetings because they were clear on Outcomes and able to Manage their State. They valued how Rapport reduced resistance and built stronger relationships.

But what surprised them most was the influence they gained from Skill 4: Reveal Persuasion Pathways.

They weren’t pushing harder or talking more. They were listening differently. Conversations flowed, decisions came more easily, and resistance softened without effort.

With Reveal Persuasion Pathways, we learn how to recognise the cues hidden in language and respond through the other person’s Edited Reality.

That’s where we go next. Let’s look at each pathway in turn and how to recognise it.

Again – It’s All About Listening!

You will spot the first two Persuasion Pathways simply by listening to how your ‘client’ speaks. For the rest, you ask questions. And when you are listening to their reply, their PP reveals itself.

The order doesn’t matter, but Rapport is vital.

By the end, Simon’s meeting will make perfect sense, and every cue he gave will reveal itself.

1. Sensory Language

When we describe things, we draw on what we see, hear, feel, or think. Most people prefer one or two of these sensory styles. These preferred senses form their primary Persuasion Pathways, the ones they rely on to make sense of the world.

Some people, however, use little or no sensory language. This is a style of its own, the Thinking Style - which we’ll look at shortly.

When I’m working with a client, Sensory Language is the first pathway I listen for. Early in Rapport-building, people are often reserved, using little sensory expression; they’re usually in the Thinking Style.

As Rapport develops, their sensory language starts to flow. You’ll hear words of seeing, hearing, feeling, and thinking emerge. Practice recognising them everywhere - in conversations, meetings, even casual chats.

Once you identify their preferred sensory pathway, mirror their style naturally. As you do so, you deepen Rapport and amplify your influence.

When you reflect their sensory language, you align with their perception:

They feel more comfortable.
What you say sounds more acceptable.
It’s easier for them to see your point.
They think you understand them.

Discover Your Preferred Sensory Language

Do you know your own sensory style? Try our Sensory Language Test - a quick and revealing exercise that shows how you process your world. The results include full descriptions of each style and how they shape your Edited Reality. Find the test under the ‘Library’ menu here: The 7 Skills App

And Back To Simon

With Simon, I noticed his first sensory cues within minutes. He spoke mainly in feeling language:

“Got a grip,” “got things moving,” “making progress felt good.”

So, to deepen Rapport, I matched that pattern:

“How did you feel at the start of that project?”
“How did you get this project rolling?”

As our Rapport strengthened, Simon’s speech combined Feeling and Thinking - a blend that revealed both emotion and reasoning.

Thinking involves a lot of self-talk and a desire to understand and be understood. Feeling involves emotions which interlace with the other senses. His negative self-talk dragged his mood down; his positive self-talk lifted it back up.

By adopting his sensory patterns, I later guided him toward John’s Outcome - a process I’ll describe in The Close at the end of this chapter.

2. Towards or Away From Safety Impulse

This next Persuasion Pathway reveals whether, under pressure, someone feels safer moving Towards a solution or Away From a problem.

Persuasion Pathways reflect a person’s Identity. It’s natural for someone with a Low IDQ to move Away From anything that feels risky to their Safety, Belonging, or Esteem.

Unfortunately, a Low IDQ is likely to sense danger in any pressured situation.

When people with a Low IDQ face pressure, their language will be Away From, focused on escaping threat. Those with a High IDQ, by contrast, use Towards language, seeking solutions.

How to Pitch Towards / Away From

An ‘Away From’ will like our Outcome if it places them beyond the threat’s reach. ‘Towards’ people will be more receptive to your Outcome if it moves them towards the solution.

And it’s pretty simple to phrase your Outcome either way;

Away From: “[my Outcome] is going to put these problems behind you once and for all.”
Towards: “[my Outcome] will help you get on top of this issue and deal with it.”

Simon’s Safety Instinct

There is a potential complication: Away From people can feel secure when they position themselves out of harm’s reach, but they will want to stay there.

The difficulty is that they can spend their time, energy and resources moving ‘Away From’ problems, and end up achieving nothing.

It gradually became clear this might be Simon’s issue. He’d shown an Away From instinct from the start, talking about “risk,” “outsiders,” and “protecting the company’s reputation.”

Yet none of the projects he described were complete. I wondered whether that defensive instinct had contributed to his CEO’s frustration and her decision to bring in outside help.

During Rapport building, I mirrored his style. I said things like,

“So Simon, you felt you needed control of this project to protect the company’s reputation?”

By doing so, I spoke directly to his Identity, used his Persuasion Pathway, and strengthened Rapport.

Later, in The Close, you’ll see how I used his Away From instinct to move him Toward accepting John’s services.

3. Internal / External Scan

Ask the simple question:

“How do you know when you’ve done a good job?”

Their answer falls somewhere on the Internal–External scale.

Internal: “I just know. It feels right to me.”
External: “When people are pleased — when the feedback sounds good.”

An Internal person trusts their own judgement. They may seem self-assured, but can easily dismiss helpful feedback.

An External person depends on others’ approval, often changing mood or direction to maintain reassurance.

Few people sit at the extremes, but most lean one way. Ideally, someone sits just off-centre towards Internal - confident yet open to feedback.

How to Pitch Internal / External

Internal: “People usually tell me this approach just feels right - they simply know it’s working.”
External: “People usually tell me they get great feedback - everyone seems happy with the results.”

Was Simon Internal or External?

When I asked,

“Simon, how do you know when a project is going well?”,

He replied instantly:

“The reaction on everyone’s faces — I feel the positivity.”

That response told me everything: Simon’s scan was External, and his language Feeling based.

4: Sameness / Difference Awareness

Ask:

“How does x compare with x last period?”

The “x” could be anything - job, performance, holiday, car - and the timeframe can vary.

In their reply, notice whether they focus on things mainly being alike, mostly different, or a blend.

There’s no correct answer. You’re not analysing truth, but observing how they construct their Edited Reality.

A Sameness person sees continuity and stability.

A Difference person sees contrasts and change.

No matter how uniform, any two things can be full of differences in the mind of a ‘difference’ person. For a sameness person, the opposite is true.

When framing the question, stay neutral - don’t lead them toward either perception. If they ask,

“In what way do you mean?”;

Repeat the question exactly. Their natural response is what you’re listening for.

How To Pitch Sameness / Difference

Sameness: [My Outcome] even though it costs a lot less, shares the same qualities as the one that has worked so well for your competitors.

Difference: [My Outcome] approached the problem from another angle, which is why it’s been so effective.

Simon was Aware of Difference.

When I asked Simon how two of his projects compared, he talked entirely about how different they were. That told me his awareness leaned toward Difference.

5. The Primal Motivator

Ask:

“What’s important to you about x?”

This question deepens Rapport because people enjoy exploring what truly matters to them. It also reveals the Primal Motivator - the subconscious force that fuels their decisions and efforts.

Often, people don’t know their own motivator until they pause and reflect. It’s powerful because it connects directly to Identity.

The question usually needs repeating, each time in a slightly different way. The first answer is often the one that sounds acceptable.

The second scratches the surface. Around the third time, they’ll pause, search inwardly, and then it emerges - raw, honest, and revealing.

Be ready for more or fewer attempts to get this Persuasion Pathway; everyone is different. You’ll know you’ve reached it when their eyes shift, and their tone softens. Ask again later; they’ll give the same answer.

What Was Simon’s Primal Motivator?

Near the end of our Rapport build, I asked,

“What’s important to you about delivering these projects, Simon?”

First came the predictable response: the company’s mission and values, Acceptable Answer No. 1.

I pushed gently:

“And what really mattered to you about that?”

He said,

“We get things done; we improve people’s lives. That’s what we’re about here.”

A strong, but still corporate reply - Acceptable Answer No. 2.

So I asked again,

“I see that. You’re living the organisation’s core values and delivering all these projects. What’s important to you about that?”

He leaned back, eyes moving as he searched. Then quietly said,

“I want to be trusted. I want to be respected.”

There it was - his Primal Motivator. It explained everything: his resistance, his pride, and his reaction to the CEO’s request to involve John.

Because we were in good Rapport, the question struck straight into his Identity.

The Close

My close reflected all of Simon’s Persuasion Pathways. I said:

“Thanks, that was interesting. I got a good feel for what you’re doing. And I think the difference with John’s company is that they care about reputation. They’ve built trust by avoiding pitfalls that damage respect.
So, you can feel confident that they’ll help you put a smile on people’s faces. I can’t tell you exactly how much trust and respect they’ll help you develop, but getting things done on time, on budget, and without problems usually helps with those things.
What do you think - do you feel that now is the time to get an idea of what John has to offer?”

Simon and I were in great Rapport, he felt trusted and respected - precisely what his Identity craved. He agreed immediately, and John was able to outline an offer that worked for him.

Summary

Revealing Persuasion Pathways goes hand in hand with building Rapport. The questions themselves are Rapportful, and every answer strengthens connection.

The five Persuasion Pathways are;

Sensory Language
Towards or Away From Safety Instinct
Sameness / Difference Awareness (How does x compare with x?)
Internal / External Bias (How do you know when…?)
Primal Motivator (what’s important to you…?)

I use Persuasion Pathways all the time. They’ve helped me build friendships, make an impact in meetings, and engage clients. I’ve used them on the touchline, coaching athletes in the pouring rain. And they play a crucial part when I’m putting together uplifting speeches.

When I’m coaching, I weave PPs into a conversation. It never feels like work to my clients. For them, it’s simply a relaxed chat - but beneath the surface, Rapport deepens quietly and naturally, revealing the fast track to unlocking their untapped talents.

My language becomes compelling because I’m speaking through the other person’s Edited Reality, guiding them gently toward their goals.

Which Brings Us To The Next Chapter

The 7 Skills work in harmony, each strengthening the others. Together, they form a complete system grounded in Identity and Edited Reality. That unity is what makes them effective.

As you continue through The 7 Skills to Impress™, you’ll see how this harmony elevates confidence, resilience, and influence.

Next comes Skill 5: The Elevate Formula - a way of thinking and speaking that reveals where someone sits on the IDQ scale in just a few words.

When you master The Elevate Formula, you’ll project calm authority under pressure, inspire others instinctively, and turn challenge into opportunity.

The Elevate Formula is Next

Part 2: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

👉 Open the Speechcraft Builder in the ‘Library section of the 7 Skills app

The Elevate Formula

Mark Sapsford — Thu, 30 Oct 2025 18:05:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

The Elevate Formula is a game-changing mindset and a persuasive way of speaking. It’s a secret weapon that will boost your confidence and performance, helping you thrive under pressure.

Woven into your language, it naturally inspires and can coach your clients to face tough times with poise and belief. The Elevate Formula (EF) is a thread that weaves through Identity, Edited Reality, and all 7 Skills.

In Part 1, we explored how the Elevate Formula shapes our internal sense of Identity. Here, we shift outward, learning how the same filters reveal themselves in everyday language, and how using them deliberately allows us to inspire confidence and resilience in others.

We’ll cover how to detect the EF in someone’s speech, and how to use it deliberately, to strengthen your own confidence and to inspire it in others.

Applying the Elevate Formula in Everyday Life

One day, I was chatting with friends in my health club when two women from an exercise class stumbled over some tennis bags left on the floor. Neither fell nor was hurt, but each reacted differently.

The first blurted,

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m so stupid: I’m always doing things like this.”

Moments later, the second stumbled and cried,

“What idiot left that there? I could’ve hurt myself.”

When the second woman regained her composure, she apologised for being harsh, but her instinctive comment told us more than her later correction; it came straight from her System 1, whereas the rephrasing came from System 2.

What do you make of these two responses? To understand why their reactions were so different, let’s look at the Elevate Formula filters.

The Elevate Formula Filters

The first woman made it all about herself and her “stupidity.” She saw the mishap as the kind of thing that always happens to her: Self, Broad and Lasting, a Low IDQ response.

The reaction of Woman Two tells us she didn’t blame herself for the trip and treated the stumble as unusual: Other, Narrow and Fleeting, a High IDQ response.

In this way, the Elevate Formula reveals how someone is creating their Edited Reality. It is a “tell”, revealing how we define setbacks or challenges, our stance when we feel anxious and under pressure, and our Explanatory Style when we discuss adversity with others.

In those times, we assess the problem through three filters:

Self / Other
Broad / Narrow
Lasting / Fleeting

You’ll Start Hearing the Elevate Formula Everywhere

Once you tune into the Elevate Formula, you’ll start to hear it all around you, in everyday conversations, in workplaces, in families, and even in your own voice.

Think about the last time you had a small mishap, perhaps you forgot to lock the front door or dropped a glass that shattered on the floor. What were the first words that came out of your mouth?

Did you turn the spotlight inward:

“I’m so stupid, I always do that,”

or outward:

“That was unlucky,” or “I was in a rush”?

Those instinctive first reactions reveal your Explanatory Style, the lens through which your mind interprets setbacks.

When you begin noticing it in yourself and others, you’ll see that some people naturally use Elevate language: their challenges are Fleeting, Narrow, and Other (i.e. not related to their Identity).

Others tend to go the opposite way, framing difficulties as Lasting, Broad, and Self.

Once you start listening for it, you’ll hear the Elevate Formula everywhere, in friends’ conversations, in news interviews, even in the way leaders talk about success and failure.

And you’ll begin to understand how powerfully our words shape the worlds we live in.

An Inspirational Football Manager

Because the Elevate Formula leaks into natural speech, I began analysing the language of elite coaches.

One of my favourite passages came from a coach who had just taken over a struggling English Premier League Football team.

The season before, they were close to being relegated. In his first match in charge, the team were overrun and scraped a 1–1 draw.

Back in the dressing room, the players felt dejected and doubted whether they belonged in the league. But the manager’s reaction surprised and inspired them.

Talking to the press after the match, he said:

“I thought our effort was fantastic. They [the opposition] are up and running at the moment. They had some European games pre‑season, so they’re much fitter than us.
So when we get fitter, we’ll be OK.
And I thought when we had possession of the ball, we played very well. We had some decent chances in the game, and we were always a threat.”

Did you detect the Elevate Formula in this passage? How are the EF filters woven into his words? Take a few moments to think it through.

He framed the poor form as Fleeting and Narrow, a lack of fitness they could quickly put right, and suggested the team’s Identity was admirable, praising their effort, possession and threat.

His Explanatory Style lifted his team; the same players who had been struggling set a club record unbeaten run and finished only a few places off the top of the league.

Real‑Life Inspiration at its Best

In this speech, the coach used the Elevate Formula to inspire.

Inspirational language involves describing challenges as Fleeting and our SQAs as Lasting. And those strengths have to be framed as “Capable enough” to be safe, to belong and earn respect.

That’s precisely what the coach did with his words. He changed the team’s Identity from “strugglers” to “winners”. He gave them hope and moved them from the right-hand side of the Identity Model (see below) to the left.

With the Elevate Formula, you can inspire your client to feel the weight of a pressure moment lift. Your leadership will fire confidence, create momentum and drive success.

What’s Truth Got To Do With It?

I was presenting the 7 Skills at a University famous for its students’ sporting achievements. The audience consisted of coaches from various teams and athletes.

I was running through the template for writing an inspiring speech when suddenly one of the coaches asked me,

“What if this isn’t true? What if my players just aren’t good enough?”

I could have given a very long answer to his question. Instead, I said my focus wasn’t on the “truth”; I was interested in credibility.

I asked him if his “inspiring” speech to his players was to say,

“Look, we all know you’re not good enough. Just go out there and try not to get too depressed.”

If they’re not very good, how does the ‘truth’ lift them, build their self-esteem and prepare them to face life with confidence and a sense of purpose?

It’s a limiting mindset. The best coaches inspire players to perform at levels no one thought possible.

To empower and motivate, you need to sound believable. When the stakes are high, give me credibility over ‘truth’ every time.

Using the Elevate Formula for Feedback

Using the Elevate Formula structure can be helpful and even inspiring when giving criticism.

The Formula involves framing the behaviour that needs improvement as Other, Narrow and Fleeting, while highlighting the person’s strengths as Self, Broad and Lasting, and encouraging them to use those strengths to improve in the future.

With this approach, criticism can lead to change while boosting a person’s confidence and self-esteem.

The Bickering Team

I was brought in to work with a struggling football team whose players were constantly criticising each other on the pitch. The trash talk was relentless and corrosive, and performance was sliding fast.

The manager had tried to rein it in, but nothing changed. The players were combative, proud, and allergic to being told what to do. I knew I wasn’t going to stop the criticism, so I chose a different route.

I leaned into their edge, challenged their reputations, built Rapport quickly, and surfaced their SQAs. Within fifteen minutes, we were ready to work.

Instead of trying to sanitise their language, I asked them to change what they pointed it at. If a teammate made a mistake, they could still unload, but they had to anchor it in what the player was capable of.

Early in the next match, a midfielder misplaced a pass and lost possession. Almost instantly, the centre-back shouted,

“You t**t, what a stupid fing pass. You’re a fing magician with the ball, stop giving it away and do some f*ing magic.”

It was crude. It was aggressive. And it worked.

The criticism stayed, but it was now framed as Narrow and Fleeting, while the player’s Capability was reinforced as Broad and Lasting. The tone didn’t change. The meaning did.

The team turned their season around and went on an unbeaten run into the new year, finishing second in the league.

Any criticism, rebuke, or feedback can be turned into a powerful message when the Elevate Formula shapes it.

Elevate Formula and Realisation

Have you noticed the link with Realisation from Skill 2, Manage Your State? Realisation is based on the Elevate Formula.

When we imagine a “happy ending” and all that we’ll see, hear, feel, etc., you fulfil all the parts of the High IDQ side of the Elevate Formula. This is why it works so well at pointing our sifting and sorting towards hope and success.

This is another example of how intertwined the 7 Skills are.

Here’s a Summary: I’ll keep it short.

Language is a Lens into the Subconscious

The Elevate Formula is both a state of mind and an inspirational language template. In times of stress, we assess the difficulty through three filters:

Self / Other
Broad / Narrow
Lasting / Fleeting

Our language ripples out from our Identity. It is our lens into the subconscious mind.

When we use the EF to decode someone’s language, we can assess how confident they are feeling. Those who see challenges as Fleeting and External have a higher sense of Capability and Esteem.

When we use it in our own language, we can reframe challenges to boost confidence in our abilities. Describing setbacks as Narrow and short‑lived makes them feel more manageable.

And as teachers, parents, coaches and leaders, we can inspire others by highlighting their strengths as Lasting and wide‑reaching or Broad.

This builds belief in their Capability to overcome obstacles, which gives them hope and optimism. You can even make a rollicking or a rebuke inspiring.

The Speechcraft Builder translates the Elevate Formula directly into the language patterns you use with others.

Where Are We on the 7 Skills Journey?

We’ve already learned the three skills, often called “IMP”, that help us stay focused and calm, even under pressure. They help us build strong, magnetic relationships with others.

We also talked about “Reveal Persuasion Pathways”, with which we uncover what motivates ourselves and others on a deeper level.

In this chapter, we looked at how Elevate Formula language inspires us and others to feel confident and strong. And now, Skill 6, Stay in Accord, and Skill 7, Speechcraft, will give us simple language patterns to persuade and inspire.

Ready to return to Eddard and Jacqui’s story?

In the next section, you’ll see how Eddard uses IMP, Reveal Persuasion Pathways and the Elevate Formula to save Jacqui and her children.

Continue to read how Eddard saved the day

Part 2: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

Three Seconds to Save Their Lives - Revisited: Unpacking the Skills That Saved Jacqui

Mark Sapsford — Wed, 29 Oct 2025 12:01:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

Now that you understand the foundations of The 7 Skills to Impress™, we can step back to see how Eddard used them with Jacqui.

You’ve already seen how he saved her and her children, let’s rewind to the moment he realised who she was and examine how those seven skills guided every word that followed.

Jacqui had been in a magnetic Rapport with Eddard. But as he faltered, their connection loosened, and she uttered those fateful words:

“I know what you’re trying to do, thank you, but I know what I have to do. Please don’t blame yourself. I’m going to put the phone down ….”

For a heartbeat, he lost his composure. The tension was unbearable. The stakes couldn’t have been higher.

Manage Your State / 7–11 Breathing

Even in that chaos, Eddard’s training took over.

He slipped into 7–11 Breathing, a technique he practised daily until it became automatic. When pressure struck, he didn’t freeze.

He stayed in control of his mind and body, keeping System 2 (analytical thinking) online while his emotions raged beneath. This simple habit gave him clarity where others might have panicked.

Identify Your Outcome / Practise Rapport

Eddard had learned never to step into any negotiation without an Outcome, a clear sense of purpose to steer both his thoughts and his language.

In pressure times, that Outcome is rarely perfect or final; it evolves in real time.

I liked to study how elite athletes perform under extreme stress, and have noticed the same use of Outcomes. In one example, LeBron James spoke about breaking decisive moments into single plays. One stop. One shot. Nothing beyond that. Each action is complete in itself, yet moving him closer to the result that mattered.

(You can find the blog on LeBron in the menu above.)

Eddard had taken that idea into his work. We called them Shots and Stops Outcomes. Small, immediate objectives: Each small win builds momentum and confidence toward the overarching goal.

But in this call, his plan shattered when Jacqui uttered those fateful words.

For an instant, his System 1 flooded with images of failure, Robbie, loss, guilt.

Yet his steady breathing kept System 2 in control. He redirected his focus to a new, simpler Outcome:

Keep Jacqui on the phone.

That was all. Nothing more.

When the subconscious is clearly focused in this way, it mobilises everything to achieve it. Eddard’s System 1 was now working for him, not against him.

The Moment of Recovery

He paused for a second and then spoke:

“I know you’re going to put the phone down, and, before you do, may I ask you one question?”

Jacqui’s answer was barely a whisper, but it was enough.

“OK?”

Eddard had reopened the door with a few, simple words: words that sounded gentle and unplanned, yet reached far beneath the surface, speaking directly to Jacqui’s subconscious. In Part 2, Chapter 6 – Stay in Accord, we’ll unpack how such quiet simplicity can hold extraordinary power.

The Turning Point

This wasn’t luck or chance. Eddard had fused his Outcome, his Managed State, and Rapport into a calm, purposeful trinity that reached beyond Jacqui’s despair.

As you move on, keep this moment in mind. It shows how these skills operate, helping you to build trust, connection, and influence when it matters most.

Coming Next

We’ll now explore Stay in Accord, Skill 6 of The 7 Skills to impress™, and see how agreement-based language kept that fragile thread of trust alive.

Stay in Accord is next

Part 2: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

👉 Open the Speechcraft Builder in the ‘Library section of the 7 Skills app

Stay in Accord

Mark Sapsford — Tue, 28 Oct 2025 15:43:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

Stay in Accord is a language skill for working with System 1, the subconscious mind that guards a person’s beliefs. It reduces resistance to your message by speaking its language and quietly slipping past its defences to shape your client’s Edited Reality.

The Stay in Accord Tools Are

Flow Words
Pacing

System 1 forms beliefs about how the world works, how to stay safe, wanted and respected. These System 1 beliefs form our Identity, which creates our Edited Reality.

If we are to influence anyone, we want to have an effect on their Edited Reality. To do this, we have to work with their belief system, not against it.

System 1 will slam the door shut on anything that doesn’t agree with its purpose, especially in stressful times. So a client will not respond to reassuring words that run counter to their Identity Beliefs.

“Come on, Ananya; You’ll Be Fine”

Remember Ananya, who we met in the first Chapter? She felt nervous and vulnerable standing in front of an audience. A well-meaning friend might have said to her;

Come on, Ananya, you’ll be fine. Look at all the friendly faces in the audience.

These words would not calm Ananya or shift her Edited Reality. Her System 1 was gearing up for Fight, Flight or Freeze (FFF), because her Identity told her she was ‘not good enough’. It believes she’s at risk and wants to get her away from ‘danger’.

This well-meaning sentence clashes with her Identity Beliefs. And so her System 1 resists it; it won’t shift her Edited Reality of the moment.

However, if the friend worked with Ananya’s Edited Reality, she might get through to her. For example, if she had Rapport with Ananya, she might say;

You look nervous, Ananya, and I guess it isn’t easy to… notice all the friendly faces in the audience.

This phrase is quietly powerful; each part of it works on System 1 in a different way.

It starts with a Pacing Statement:

“You look nervous, Ananya…”

It has a ‘Flow Word’ within it:

“And”.

It has a ‘Resistance Breaker’:

“… I guess it isn’t easy to…”

Which creates an ‘Embedded Command’:

“… notice all the friendly faces in the audience”.

Because of the Pacing Statement and Flow Word, this phrase matches Ananya’s reality, and her System 1 could relax. And so she would ‘go with the flow’ of the statement and accept the instruction to notice the friendly faces.

And so the friend’s words helpfully shift her Edited Reality.

We will explain Pacing Statements and Flow Words next. (Resistance Breakers and Embedded Commands are tools from the next Chapter, Skill 7, Speechcraft).

If our inspiring messages are going to get through, they need to be ‘in accord’ with our client’s beliefs.

One way to do this is for us to reflect our client’s reality, even if our aim runs counter to it.

This is what I learned Skill 6, Stay in Accord helps us to do. Simply and efficiently, Flow Words make your message sound as if it’s in “accord” with your client’s beliefs. And so, reduces resistance to your message.

We’ll take a closer look at Flow Words and then return to Eddard and show how they influenced his magical words with Jacqui.

Flow Words

A little while ago, I watched an episode of a reality TV show based on a sales assistant. He wasn’t selling many cars and was keen to learn anything that would help him succeed.

The show took him to work with a standup comic, and together they played the “Yes…and” game.

The idea was that the comedian would say some pretty crazy things. The salesman had to agree by replying, “Yes, and…”. Then he could follow up with whatever he wanted to say.

It was good TV and very funny…

The salesman had a quick mind and sharp wit, so the two bounced off each other well. And yet, beneath the TV showmanship was a vital truth.

The point the comic made was to stop saying “but” or “no” to clients. Always to say “yes, and” and then you can follow with whatever comment you like and still sound as if you are in Accord.

The TV show then cut back to some previously filmed clips of the salesman with customers at the car showroom. It was revealing. Someone would come in, and he’d greet them nicely enough.

He’d ask them what sort of car they were after. After hearing what they said they needed, he often replied with the word “but’.

His knowledge meant he often had a better idea than the customer of what car suited their needs and budget. And although he was trying to be helpful, the word ‘but’ has a hidden message.

It says to your client, ‘I’m going to contradict you,’ breaking Rapport and trust, and often, the sale.

To show you what I mean, try this. The following two sentences are very similar. Say them to yourself and see how they affect you:

“You are doing well with impress™, but you will get better with practice.”
“You are doing well with impress™, and you will get better with practice”.

For most of us, the word ‘but’ in sentence no.1 spoils the intention of the first half of the sentence. What people actually hear is,

You’re doing well… but you’re not doing well really.

In sentence no. 2, the use of ‘and’ makes the two halves agree with each other. It sounds more like genuine praise.

They are linking words, which keep the flow of your sentence going. Flow Words reduce resistance to your ideas. They help your client feel comfortable enough to accept your message.

‘Yes’ can add additional momentum when placed in front of these words. Hence, the “yes, and…” game.

So, the car salesman used “yes, and…” … instead of “but” with a customer from then on. This change meant he could still suggest alternative cars to the customer while seeming to agree. No surprises, then, that his sales shot up.

But… Please Also Note

While the word “but” can hinder Rapport, it can be helpful to us if used with intention. When we understand its effect – signalling a pivot or change of direction from the first part of the sentence – “but” can be useful.

For example, someone might say:

“I know you’re sad you failed the exam, but I still believe in your ability to succeed”.

Used this way, but pivots away from the problem toward possibility

The key is being aware of how you are using it and the meaning you will convey.

With this insight, “but” transforms from Rapport-breaker to a tool for gracious redirection.

Pacing

Pacing is saying out loud what your client is already thinking or feeling.

I can safely say that no one wants to be confronted by an angry man with a machete. Unfortunately, on one hot summer’s day, it happened to me.

A man was walking the streets bare-chested, waving a machete and shouting. Passers-by called the police, and it was my patch, so I went.

As soon as he saw my uniform, it was like a magnet to him. Over he came, yelling and shrieking and waving the machete menacingly at me. It was very threatening. I quietly called over the radio for backup.

This was in the UK, so I didn’t have a gun. And it was before we were equipped with Pepper Spray. All I had was my wits, so I decided to Pace him, hoping to calm him down and delay any attack until my backup arrived.

He was shouting, drunk or high, and looked angry. So I attempted to match his volume, pace and tone of voice. I shouted;

Me: “You look angry.”
Angry Chap: “I am.” He shouted back. “And you know why”.
Me: “Yes, and… if I knew why, what would I know?” (Shouting)
Angry Chap: A long, incoherent rant followed. He’d lost his dog and believed some mystery person had taken it. Apparently, this phantom was watching him all the time.
Me: You’re angry because someone has taken your dog
Angry Chap: “Yes, really angry, They’ve got my dog.” (Now he’d offloaded a bit, he was loud but not shouting)
Me: “I hear you, they’ve got your dog, and that’s made you angry”. (Firm but not shouting).
Angry Chap: “Yeah”. (Almost speaking normally). “What are you going to do about it?”
Me: “Yeah, Now I know why you’re angry.” (Talking normally and desperately trying to think of what I could say next to good effect). “You want your dog back. I love dogs”.

I was running out of things to say. But he had calmed down a lot, and I was wondering how I could get him in handcuffs without setting him off again. Just then, we heard the sound of police sirens, my backup.

His eyes flickered with alarm. I was worried he’d be triggered, and I’d be back to square one. So I decided I’d Pace exactly what I imagined he’d be thinking;

Me: “You can hear the police coming.”
Angry Chap: “Yes, I can”.
Me: “You don’t like the thought of more police coming”.
Angry Chap: “No, no...”
Me: “And we know, they’ll come now, nothing will stop them.”
Angry Chap: “Yes, they’ll come”. He went silent, hands dropped to his sides

It was so lucky for me that he had calmed down at this point. He was ready to boil again, no doubt, but Pacing had given me some rapport with him, and he was open to my suggestions.

Eddard and I often marvelled at how quickly Pacing worked for us. Before we knew about the power of Pacing and Rapport, we would have approached this sort of situation with threats and warnings. And almost always, we’d end up fighting. Pacing seemed like a magic trick to us.

Me: “We need to make this go well don’t we? What shall we do?” (Talking softly).
Angry Chap: After a pause, The machete clattered to the floor. And put his hands out together in front of him, showing that he’d accept handcuffs. (Clearly, not a new experience to him!)

I handcuffed him and talked calmly and reassuringly. Moments later, the fast-response car screeched to a halt. Two of my shift colleagues jumped out, ready for a drama.

They looked at me and said, “Alright, Mark? Then, looking at Angry Chap and a bit annoyed, said, “What’s all the fuss about?!”

Moments like that, and many others, taught me that Rapport isn’t a polite social skill. It’s a discipline forged in chaos, one that made us effective when it mattered most.

When I turned up, Angry Chap was looking for a fight and…

… anything I said that wasn’t passive would have set him off. But you can’t be submissive in these situations, either.

So I just said anything that seemed to me to match his state of mind. I tried to phrase what I thought he was thinking. As best I could, I copied (i.e. Paced), his thoughts, speed, volume and tone of voice.

Have another read of the conversation between Angry Chap and me. Note how my every word was an attempt to mirror his mood and thoughts. Note how I led him to be calmer by first matching his volume, pace and tone of voice before lowering and slowing mine. As good as gold, he followed my lead and calmed down.

And that’s what Pacing is. I did nothing to inflame things. What I said felt comfortable to Angry Chap because it was a perfect fit for his thoughts.

Pacing satisfies our ancient need to be heard.

It communicates respect, builds acceptance, and lowers resistance before persuasion. And there was no arguing, and so it took the wind out of his sails.

He calmed down. And then, because he was more stable, he could process what the approaching police car meant and how to deal with it. Pacing is hugely Rapportful. It made him trust me and feel safe with me. So he gave himself up to me.

The ‘Pacing’ Element of ‘Stay in Accord’ is quite literal.

You use words that reflect your clients’ intentions, thoughts or feelings as if you’re walking in their shoes or seeing the world through their eyes.

Don’t disagree, doubt or challenge. And it’s essential to avoid signalling agreement either. You stay neutral while saying something that reflects your clients’ state of mind.

Pacing is so Rapportful, I could easily have included it in Skill 3, Practice Rapport. In fact, the whole of Stay in Accord could be viewed as a Rapport Skill. And indeed, it is.

But it needs its own chapter because this skill does more than help you make magnetic connections. It creates a subtle shift in the way you speak that makes you more influential.

Once accord is established, Speechcraft shapes what you say next. The Speechcraft Builder is where that happens.

Eddard and His Magical Words to Jacqui

When I’m building Rapport, Pacing is a crucial factor that gets me success. Eddard valued it immensely, too. It took so much confrontation out of his work.

Eddard didn’t know what was going to come out of his mouth when Jacqui said she was going to put the phone down,

He had recovered, though, and was ready, calm and focused. He had his Outcome set. He was Managing his State, and he knew that Rapport was there to be regained in a moment.

While building Rapport earlier, he’d found out a bit of what Jacqui did with her children in happier times.

He had been using IMP, he’d worked out Jacqui’s Persuasion Pathways, and was practised in The Elevate Formula, Stay in Accord and Speechcraft (Skill 7 covered in the next chapter).

He trusted that System 2 would be driving his Outcome and sort out the right words. After all, he had given them a lot to work with.

Eddard knew his first words had to pace Jacqui’s reality. And he would never utter the word ‘but’. Which is why his first words were:

Yes, I know you’re going to put the phone down and…

Now you can see why he chose that phrase, and the quiet power within it.

As he spoke, he didn’t know what was going to come next. But his System 2 sorted out his thinking in quick time. This is what followed:

Before you do, I’d like to answer you one question.

Jacqui simply replied,

OK

This was a big moment; Eddard had achieved the Outcome, ‘To keep Jacqui on the Phone’. (Note, he didn’t set the Outcomes, ‘To stop Jacqui putting down the phone’.

That would have been a Negative Command. System 1’s scanning work is then directed by the words that describe what you don’t want to happen.

The second half of that crucial sentence contained another language drill, a ‘Cause and Effect’, “… before you do …”. We’ll learn about this and more language patterns in Chapter 7.

The Quiet Power of Agreement

Stay in Accord works around a client’s protective, and often outdated, Identity Beliefs, quietly slipping your ideas into System 1. It puts you in a position to influence people others can’t, even those who are angry, resistant, or defiant.

In the next chapter, we look at the last of The 7 Skills to impress™, ‘Speechcraft’. This skill combines beautifully with Stay in Accord.

It shows us how to phrase words in a way that fast-tracks them straight into a client’s System 1. Once there, they will reshape their Edited Reality in line with your ethical Outcome.

Speechcraft completes the circle of the 7 Skills to impress™. With Skills 1 – 6, you have become focused and calm.

You have a magnetic connection with your client, and you know how to phrase your messages to find the fast-track channels into your client’s System 1.

You can phrase your language to lift their pressure and inspire them with hope. And you can make your suggestions sound agreeable, even if they contradict your client’s Edited Reality.

With Speechcraft, you’ll add drills that make your language compelling, uplifting, and almost hypnotic, a skillset that turns influence into inspiration.

And you’ll learn a simple, bulletproof process for crafting inspiring speeches.

Coming Next

Skill 7 of The 7 Skills to impress™ – Speechcraft

Part 2: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

👉 Open the Speechcraft Builder in the ‘Library section of the 7 Skills app

Speechcraft

Mark Sapsford — Mon, 27 Oct 2025 17:33:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

Speechcraft is a toolkit for ethical influence: the quiet art of changing minds.

It guides your message underneath awareness, slipping gently into System 1, the mind’s hidden control centre.

There, your words shape a client’s Edited Reality. If Stay in Accord keeps communication open, Speechcraft escorts your message exactly where it needs to land.

The core Speechcraft tools are:

Cause and Effect
Resistance Breakers and Embedded Commands
Tag Questions
Assumption

We’ll explore each, then see how Speechcraft helped Eddard save the lives of Jacqui and her children.

Cause and Effect

Cause and Effect links two ideas so the second seems to follow naturally from the first, and because the link feels logical, it often bypasses conscious scrutiny. It’s usually voiced in two parts: one distracts, the other carries a suggestion.

When the listener accepts the link, they unknowingly accept the suggestion.

1. Because

“You can learn The 7 Skills to impress™ quickly and easily because…”

Unthinkingly, the System 1 mind searches for what comes next. While focused there, it offers no resistance to the first part of the sentence.

The second half doesn’t need to be dazzlingly persuasive, just credible. Cause and Effect is a distraction technique: it captures attention and shifts focus away from the hidden message.

If the second phrase holds attention, the command lands.

“… because it’s a simple approach.”

This works to convince someone they can learn The 7 Skills to impress™ quickly.

2. Verifiable Truth

This time, the order is reversed. It begins with a verifiable truth, something the listener readily accepts, which opens the door to the suggestion that follows.

“You finished your essay on time because…you can apply yourself when you want to.”

Verifiable Truth (Distraction) = Essay finished on time.
Suggestion = You can apply yourself when you want to.

It’s empowering for a student to believe this. The first phrase, a verifiable truth, removes resistance and allows the suggestion to take hold.

3. Which Means

“You got a warm response to your presentation, which means...you are a popular speaker.”

Distraction = Warm response to a presentation.
Suggestion = You’re a popular speaker.

This helps clients see themselves more positively. Their System 1 starts scanning for evidence of popularity; a self-fulfilling cycle.

4. Before you…

“And before you relax, notice how comfortable the chair is.”

Distraction = Noticing the comfort of the chair.
Suggestion = To relax.

The chair comment sets direction for relaxation. As the client notices comfort, they accept the suggestion without resistance.

5. If you … then you’ll

“If you … look at how you solved this problem… then you’ll … see the strengths you have to drive your success in the future.”

Distraction = Reflecting on successes.
Suggestion = Belief in broad and lasting strengths.

A powerful line when inspiring someone with the Elevate Formula.

Back to Eddard’s Cause and Effect

Now let’s look again at the Cause and Effect in Eddard’s brilliant line to Jacqui:

“Yes, I know you’re going to put the phone down, and before you do, I’d like to ask you one question.”

He paused just after “…before you do…,” letting the silence hang in the air. Jacqui’s System 1 filled the silence, asking itself,

“…before I put the phone down, what’s going to happen?”

That pause sparked curiosity in her System 1 mind. The words

“I’d like to ask you one question”

met no resistance; they slipped in quietly and shaped her Edited Reality. Staying on the phone now felt natural to Jacqui.

Resistance Breakers and Embedded Commands

Now that you’ve seen how Cause and Effect works, let’s look at another way Speechcraft skips meaning beneath surface awareness, the Embedded Command.

Eddard immediately set a new Outcome: find out where Jacqui was so he could send help.

“I don’t know if you can… imagine this now … feeding the ducks with your kids next week in the park.”
I wonder if… you remember how much you and the kids love that, do you?… although I’m not asking you to… think about that now…
I’m just curious… what advice you would give yourself from that moment by the pond with the kids… which means… you can tell me where you are now… so I can help you.”

An Embedded Command is a verbal Trojan Horse, a direct instruction hidden within indirect language.

Direct speech can sound pushy or aggressive, triggering resistance. Eddard softened his commands with Resistance Breakers (RBs):

“I don’t know if you can…”

“I wonder if…”

“Although I’m not asking you to…”

“I’m just curious …”

Each RB neutralises resistance and cues System 1 to take notice; A brief pause and tonal shift mark the command out for the subconscious.

Without these RBs, the phrases would sound forceful and invite pushback:

Imagine feeding the ducks…remember how much you love that…think about that now…tell me where you are so I can help you.

👉 Find a list of Resistance Breakers here…

Thinking about Ducks

The idea of the ducks just came to Eddard. System 2 dredged it out of the conversation he had with Jacqui earlier. And he often used what he called the ‘time distortion’ effect of the Elevate Formula. It all came together in the passage above.

By inviting Jacqui to picture a happy future, he shifted her Edited Reality.

In her imagination, the crisis was already behind her. The unthinkable became possible.

This was his pivotal strategy: to move her from despair to hope through guided imagery.

The second paragraph doubled down on this strategy. Eddard wanted Jacqui to process it vividly in her mind. This time, the Embedded Commands are in bold:

“I wonder if you… remember how much you and the kids love that, do you?… although I’m not asking you to… think about that now…”

Tag Questions

Did you notice the “… do you…” in that passage? That’s a Tag Question, a small phrase that turns a statement into an invitation to agree.

Short tags like do you, will you, won’t you, and isn’t it, create reflexive agreement, don’t they?

Eddard used them to build momentum toward cooperation, and it worked, didn’t it?

Assumptions

Then came his final move:

“I’m just curious… what advice can you give yourself, from that moment by the pond with the kids… which means you can tell me where you are now so I can help you.”

This wasn’t just a Resistance Breaker; it was an Assumption.

By answering the question, Jacqui accepted the implied premise that she would tell him where she was.

It’s the same principle a parent uses when saying:

“Do you want to go to bed now or in ten minutes?”

Whichever the child chooses, they’ve already agreed to go to bed.

Did you notice that Eddard gave the ploy a bit more momentum with Cause and Effect, ‘which means’?

When Jacqui began to answer, she accepted the Assumption. Then she broke down and cried, and finally, she told Eddard where she was: the same park where she so often fed the ducks with her children.

A fast response vehicle was dispatched. Eddard stayed on the line until they arrived. They were safe.

And Here It Is, The Final Summary

Here is Eddard’s Process in Jacqui’s Story:

1. On arrival, he was briefed. A very slim outline, time was short, and lives were at stake. There was no time to go into great detail.

2. Eddard begins breathing, 7-11 style. He knows this will keep his brain switched on if the pressure becomes intense.

3. He thinks through his Outcome whilst still being briefed:

To save Jacqui and her children.

He used a Realisation to aid this Outcome. He imagined a post-incident interview with Jacqui. He envisioned a comfortable, relaxed and friendly meeting with a grateful Jacqui. In his mind’s eye, they were in a safe place, and the children were happily playing around them.

To get a fast response vehicle to her location and protect her and her children.
To get Jacqui to tell him where they were, so he could send the fast response vehicle.
To build Rapport with Jacqui such that she would give him her address.

4. He rang Jacqui and began to build Rapport.

5. During Rapport, he learned how her System 1 & 2 relationship worked as best as he could with Reveal Persuasion Pathways and assessed her language against the Elevate Formula.

6. When Jacqui threatened to put the phone down, he used 7-11 Breathing and Realisation to gain his composure quickly.

7. He switched his Outcome to keeping Jacqui on the phone and used Pacing, Flow Words from Skill 6, Stay in Accord and Cause and Effect from Skill 7, Speechcraft. This seemed to come naturally as his System 1 & 2 worked together, given direction by the Outcome.

8. Having achieved that Outcome, he set a new one to find her location. He delivered a Speechcraft passage with Pacing, Embedded Commands, Assumptions, Tag Questions and Cause and Effect.

9. His Speechcraft had the effect of shifting Jacqui’s Edited Reality to imagine the possibility of a happy future. Jacqui broke down and told him where she was.

Eddard was the first to use the system as a complete unit. Since then, the 7 Skills to impress™ have been road-tested, from elite sport to business, education, and crisis negotiation.

Simple enough for tough times. Robust enough to drive extraordinary turnarounds.

Ready to build your own? The Speechcraft Builder in the app walks you through each tool step by step.

Coming Next: Part 3

How to Apply The 7 Skills to Impress™: A Case Study and Guide

In Part 3, I reveal how I used the 7 Skills to restore a rugby team’s belief and fuel a record-breaking unbeaten run, and how, at the same time, those same Skills helped me break through my own performance ceiling.

I’ll share my step-by-step template for crafting an authentic, inspiring speech you can use for yourself.

Because Speechcraft isn’t just a collection of clever words, it’s about changing what people believe is possible.

Coming Next — Part 3

How to Apply The 7 Skills to Impress™: A Case Study and Guide

Part 2: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links

👉 Open the Speechcraft Builder in the ‘Library section of the 7 Skills app.

Speechcraft - Bonus Tools

Mark Sapsford — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 16:33:00 GMT

This article uses framework terminology from The 7 Skills to impress™ Book. Any definition or tool shown in bold can be looked up in the Glossary.

Here are two more tools that were working quietly in the background during Rapport building with Jacqui.

They helped soften her resistance and supported the shift that followed. They’re included here so you can use them as powerful additions to your own toolkit.

Reframes

A Reframe is a gentle way of changing the meaning someone gives to a situation — not by denying their experience, but by offering a different lens.

When people feel trapped, it’s rarely the situation that traps them; it’s the frame around it:

A Reframe loosens that constraint. A Reframe doesn’t argue. It doesn’t contradict. It simply says:

“What if this means something else?”

Because it slips straight into the System 1 mind, it can shift emotion before the listener even notices something has changed.

There are two forms you’ll use again and again:

1. Content Reframe: “What if this means something different?”

This changes the meaning someone attaches to what’s happening.

Examples:

“You’re not hesitating, you’re being thoughtful.”
“You didn’t win, but your team is getting better every game.”
“You’re not being difficult, you’re trying to make sense of a tough feeling.”
“You’re not stuck, you’re learning something new, and that takes time.”

The world hasn’t changed. But the meaning has — and meaning is what drives behaviour.

2. Context Reframe: “Where might this be useful?”

This lifts the listener out of a trapped perspective by shifting how they view the situation around them.

Fire becomes dangerous in a living room.
But in a cold forest at night, the same fire becomes life-saving.

The same is true with the traits we often struggle with in our children.

A child’s stubbornness can feel exhausting at home,
but in a confusing world, that same stubbornness becomes the backbone that keeps them safe.
Their constant questions can feel draining at the end of a long day,
but in a classroom or a challenge, that same curiosity becomes their sharpest tool.
Their boldness can feel disruptive in the living room,
but when life demands courage, that same boldness is what helps them step forward.
Their caution can feel like hesitation today,
but in the right moment, that same caution becomes wisdom that protects them from harm.

Context reframes are powerful when someone feels overwhelmed or hopeless. They reveal strengths that were already there, but hidden by the situation.

A good Reframe opens a door the listener didn’t know was there. And once they step through, their Edited Reality shifts.

Final Note: Remember, without Rapport, Reframes won’t work.

How Eddard used Reframes with Jacqui

When Jacqui said she’d “lost control,” Eddard nudged the frame toward strength:

“You held far more together than you realise.”

When she felt she was “the problem,” he opened a space for a healthier interpretation:

“Anyone in your position would feel this way, stress tricks us into taking responsibility for things we couldn’t possibly control.”

When she felt trapped, he shifted the context around her emotion:

“With everything you’ve been carrying, it makes complete sense that the way forward feels hard to see right now.”

The Yes Set

If an Assumption is a single open door, the Yes Set is a series of open doors, each one leading to the next.

The Yes Set creates momentum at a subconscious level. It works because the mind likes consistency. Once it begins agreeing, it prefers to keep agreeing.

You create it using a simple structure:

Three truths they already accept.
One suggestion you want them to accept.

Example:

“You’re reading this chapter…
you’re learning how ethical influence works…
and you’ve already seen how quickly the subconscious responds…
Lead: so you’ll enjoy trying this out in real conversations.”

Each “yes” is tiny.
But together, they build a rhythm the mind follows.

It’s a pattern of micro-agreements that guides the mind gently in the direction you want it to go.

The Yes Set works best when your tone is warm and matter-of-fact.
No hype or pressure, just good Rapport.

Just a simple flow of things the listener already believes, leading naturally to the doorway you want them to walk through.

How Eddard used the Yes Set with Jacqui

Eddard also used Yes Sets naturally, building momentum through micro-agreements.

You can hear it in his pacing:

“You’ve had a long day…”
“You’ve been holding this alone…”
“And you’ve done everything you can…”
“…and I feel I can help you.”

Each line was true for her and gently opened her mind to Eddard’s message. She felt understood.

The Speechcraft Builder gives you a structured space to put these tools together into language you can use.

Part 2: 7 Skills to impress™ Chapter Links